


petit à petit

by orphan_account



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bad Jokes, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Grocery Shopping, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sex, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Light Angst, Lots of sarcasm, M/M, Minor Injuries, New York City, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Sexuality Crisis, University, University AU, actor!ben hardy, dinosaur jokes, director!joe mazzello, grocery store workers, like seriously, lots of bad jokes guys, some drinking, some smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2019-10-27 01:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 36,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17757383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “What do you call a blind dinosaur?”Ben was thrown off guard for a moment. “Excuse me?”“What do you call a blind dinosaur?”“What- I, uh, I don’t know.”“Doyouthinkhesaurus.”(this fic is for fun and in no way meant to be taken seriously. respect the actors and their irl relationships and sexualities)





	1. In Which the Cashier is Weirdly Charming

**Author's Note:**

> this casually isn't that good of a fic, but i'm trying my best lol. The time jumps in this are bizarre, but bear with me for now, please.  
> enjoy!

The chilly air followed Ben into the small grocery store but was soon met with the conflicting heated air from the inside. He shivered and grabbed a basket from the front of the doors. His first year living in New York was beginning to feel a bit rough when winter came. Well, it wasn’t winter quite yet, really, but it felt like that to Ben. His university life was still fairly unstable and as his first real year away from home, he had no idea how to function. He was tired, tired, and pretty damn tired nearly all the time, and school hadn’t even gotten terribly difficult yet. The cheap flat he shared with classmate off-campus was a bit of a mess on his end and he hadn’t had a well-made meal in about two months. Honestly, he rather missed his mum. 

Walking through the aisles and taking into consideration the overall lack of money in his wallet, he looked for something cheap that wasn’t instant noodles or spaghetti. Ben couldn’t begin to tell anyone how sick he was of instant noodles and spaghetti. Neither he nor his flatmate could really cook and  _ both  _ of them were tired of it. After scanning the aisles up and down, Ben sighed and settled for instant noodles and spaghetti. He walked up to the open cash register, depressingly putting the week’s worth of spaghetti and instant noodles on the counter. 

The young cashier looked him up and down before beginning to scan the items. This same guy had always worked when Ben went to the store. As Ben started to pull out cash to pay, the cashier smiled. 

“What do you call a blind dinosaur?” 

Ben was thrown off guard for a moment. “Excuse me?”   
“What do you call a blind dinosaur?”   
“What- I, uh, I don’t know.”   
“Doyouthinkhesaurus.”   
The two made awkwardly long eye-contact before he got it. “Oh. Sorry, I- uh, I just wasn’t expecting that.”   
“What do you call a triceratops that scores his first goal? A dino-score!” He said, ringing him up. “Cash or credit?”   
Giving out a huff of a laugh, Ben shook his head. “Cash, please.” It was difficult to restrain a smile due to the rather terrible jokes. 

The cashier smiled again. “Ah! There we go! You smiled! Anyway, your total is six-fifty.”   
“Six-fifty?” He mumbled in surprise, pulling out his last ten-dollar-bill. “Jesus I’m broke.”   
“Do you go to NYFA?” _Joseph_ (Ben read his nametag) asked. 

Ben paused, nodding slowly. “How’d you know?”   
“Kind of hard to miss the big logo on your sweatshirt, buddy.” 

Looking down, he now felt a tad bit stupid for forgetting what he was even wearing. Ben was such a mess today, and really this conversation felt so out of place for his normal routine of not having time to hear jokes and even just talk to strangers. 

“Oh. Well, yeah.” 

“I go there too, actually.”   
_Woah._

“Really? What major?”   
“Filmmaking. What about you?”   
“Acting. I’ve never seen you around, but I guess that’s why.” 

“Well, anyway, three-fifty is your change, and have a splendid day.” 

“You too.”   


For the next month, Ben would come once a week and be told terrible jokes from that same cashier. He couldn’t help but look forward to it, honestly. They didn’t have lots of communication aside for the one or two jokes Joseph would give, but it always brought a smile to his tired face. The one time there was another cashier instead of his usual, he felt a bit sad. There was just an awkward silence before a, “ _ Cash or credit? _ ” now. Although it was weird, he found himself almost worried that he no longer worked there and would never tell him another joke. Jeez, Ben was almost grossed out by his attachment. Thankfully, Joseph had come back the next week and his worry had been for naught. 

One day, Ben was in the small living area reading over an assignment when his flatmate walked into the room. 

“Hey, do you know someone named Joe?” Gwilym asked, taking a sip from his water bottle. 

“I don’t think I do.” He responds, not thinking about the cashier. 

“Oh. Well, I have a friend named Joe and he was wondering if the two of us would want to go out with a group for lunch.”   
He puts the papers down on their makeshift coffee table (a depressing trunk that once held Ben’s clothing on the flight over from London). “Alright. Sounds good to me.”   
The two then left, meeting up with some other acting majors and a rather familiar directing major. The second Ben’s eyes met with his, the other broke out into a grin.   
_Oh. Joseph is Joe. I probably could have guessed that._

“Hey!” he said, almost excitedly. “What sound does a t-rex make when it sleeps?”   
Ben shook his head with a laugh. “I don’t know.” 

“A dino-snore!”   
“God, I think that’s your worst one yet.”   
Gwilym noticed the two talking and walked over. “Ben, I thought you said you didn’t know Joe.”   
“Gwil, this is the guy I bother with jokes every day,” Joe says with a smile, pointing at him. “I didn’t know _you_ knew him.” 

“Of course, I know him. We share a flat off campus.” 

“Well then, dude, I’m sorry to be the one to say it, but your sodium intake is through the _roof_!”   
“I can’t help it that we can only afford so much when Ben hasn’t got a job like I do!” 

_Way to out me,_ he thought to himself. It wasn’t exactly his fault! Okay, so maybe it _was_ his fault, but he genuinely had been trying to find work! There was just so much going on that he may or may not had forgotten to keep looking after October. Now as it was brought up, Ben couldn’t help but feel rather guilty and embarrassed.   
“There’s an opening at the store, if you need a word of recommendation. I’ll just need to call my manager.” Joe said. 

He raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? Would you do that?” Ben asked. 

“Yeah! I mean, like, I  _ am  _ the manager, so there’s no problem there.” 

From there, Joe continued to give him business information and a wild backstory pertaining to his high school career and desperate need for a job. There were too many details to fully recite, but it did involve a police chase and stolen eggs. Ben wasn’t really sure if he was to actually believe any of this, but it did make for an interesting story.

The next few days were interesting. As Ben was thrown into Gwilym’s social circle, he was also signing up for a quick job-training session with Joe. It ended up turning out that the open position dealt with storage cleaning and restocking shelves. Although not particularly interesting, he would be making $14 an hour. That was well-over good enough for him. 

It was on his first day of work when he first heard it: something that made him feel a little bit confused. To set the scene, Ben stood in the canned section. As he put up new cans of corn, he found himself wondering why so many people bought it. That’s when the customer inside began to check out. 

“What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes its car? Also, cash or credit?”   
“I don’t know, what do you call it?” The customer responds, obviously pleasantly surprised. “Credit, please.”   
“Tyrannosaurus wreck!” 

The two laughed for a moment as the customer paid. Ben may or may not have been peeking at them from the end of the aisle, pretending he wasn’t. 

This time, though, the customer responded with a joke of their own! 

“What’s a dinosaur’s least favourite reindeer?”   
Joe was clearly happy with the other person playing along. “Which one?”   
“Comet.”   
It was a dumb joke, but Joe still laughed as though it were hilarious. As the customer finished paying and left, Ben came out from the aisle. 

“Why do you do that? Tell them jokes, I mean. And especially dinosaur-themed ones. I don’t get it,” he said, leaning against the counter. 

Smiling and finishing putting away the money and cleaning his station a bit, Joe looked over at him. “I do it because although they’re bad, they usually make the unexpecting person laugh. That just makes me happy, I guess. What kind of person doesn’t like dinosaur jokes anyway?” 

“Do people always respond back with their own jokes?”   
“Nope. That also makes me happy, though.” 

Something about that response sparked an idea in his head, fueled by nothing but perhaps the need to make a new friend. The second Ben got back home to his flat, he ignored Gwilym welcoming him back and plopped down on the couch. Opening the internet on his phone, he immediately looked up dinosaur jokes and read through what felt like two-hundred lists. Nothing was worth Joe’s time (despite many of the ones he had told Ben being on those lists). He needed something better, something good. Staring at the empty notes page on his screen, Ben soon realized that he hadn’t pursued a career in the comedic arts for good reason. 

“Shit. Gwil?” He called out, seeing his friend look up from his laptop. 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you know any good dinosaur jokes?”   
Gwilym stared at him for a few seconds. “No? What’s all this about? Are you trying to out-funny Joe?”   
“Maybe,” Ben shrugged. 

“Well, good luck with that.”   
“Thanks. I’m so glad I have your inspiring help to guide me through this.” 

“No problem.”    


**_Funny Joke for Joe: Try #1_ **


	2. Life Would Be Easier With Dance Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Ben continues to befriend Joe, he's pulled into a scenario that leaves him unsure of himself. Soon after, we finally get to experience true comedy in the form of dinosaur jokes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a little short, sorry dudes

_ What do you call- _

_ No.  _

_ When dinosaurs-  _

_ No, doesn’t make sense.  _

_ Shit.  _ __  
  


As his student team discussed how emotion was supposed to be played in a specific scene, Ben found himself lost in thought. It wasn’t very intellectual thought, but it was… thought. He had spent an entire week trying to come up with a joke, but absolutely  _ nothing  _ had come to mind. Either they were awful, didn’t make a lick of sense, or they were awful. It was almost depressing how unfunny he felt when trying to make a joke.

“Ben,” Rami called out, pulling him from his dip out of reality. “You alright?” 

“Yeah, of course. Would you happen to know any dinosaur jokes?” He asked back, watching amusement play across his classmate’s face. 

“Taking after Joe, I see.” 

Rami was in the same friend group that Gwilym and Joe belonged to. Ben wasn’t fully in yet, but he was trying his best. He was the youngest one in the group along with this girl, Lucy. The two were both freshmen. Joe and Gwilym were sophomores, and Rami and this other guy, Allen, were both juniors. 

“No. Well, maybe, I guess. I just noticed he always tells them to customers and likes it when people tell jokes back, so I’m trying to do the same, I guess.” He said, rolling the reading in his hands as a habit of anxiousness. 

“You sure guess a lot. Anyway, yeah. Joe would be your best friend if you did that for him.”   
“Really? Nice.”   
Well, perhaps there was a new goal in mind. 

 

Ben’s work schedule differed greatly from Joe’s. Well, maybe not  _ that  _ greatly, but they were still pretty different. Joe worked afternoon to evening every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. Ben only worked mornings on Tuesday and Thursday (his class-free days) as well as afternoon to evening on Fridays. So in retrospect, the two didn’t interact that much. It was a little troublesome, seeing as Ben wanted to befriend the other guy. He just seemed so fun and not knowing him terribly well was almost aggravating. 

One Friday after they closed, Ben was getting ready to go when Joe started playing music. The soft echo of it bouncing around the empty store made him come out of the employees-only room, still putting on his coat. 

There he was- slightly swaying to the music. It was a dramatic Spanish song that sounded like it belonged in a movie. He had never heard it before, but then again Ben didn’t listen to Spanish music all that much. The only song he could think of that was Spanish was Despac- 

“Oh, hey. I’ve had this stuck in my head for approximately one-hundred-and-seventy-two-hours. If I didn’t play it out loud, I thought my brain might explode.” Joe said, looking up at him as he counted the money in the register. “Do you know it?” He pointed up in the air at nothing in particular.  _ Except for the song,  _ Ben guessed. 

Shrugging was his first response. “Nope. Sounds good for a soundtrack though. Or for interpretive dance.”   
“Glad you think so!” Ben found himself rewarded with a grin. “I’m currently using it in a short film for a project. I think I’ve heard the song at least two-hundred times in the past week. Kind of like a music video, but more of a film based off of the song meaning. Ours has a lot of potential, but it isn’t going terribly well.”   
“Sorry, that kind of sucks.”   
“Yeah.”   
“Yeah.”   
Standing there awkwardly, Ben wasn’t sure if he should leave yet or stay. He was a second away from turning on his heels and going home when Joe spoke up again.

“Do ya’ dance?” 

“No.” He raised an eyebrow as Joe removed himself from behind the cash register

“Brilliant! Neither do I!” 

He came over, bouncing a little to the chorus. From there Joe just did a dance that absolutely did not match up the music’s tone. It was more modern and popish, yet he somehow stayed on beat. It made Ben laugh a little, just watching him do all this nonsense. 

“You just said you don’t dance, you liar!” he exclaimed. 

“Oh, I assumed we were both lying. I’m a fantastic dancer. C’mon! Don’t make this a solo.” The look he gave with pleading eyes was too much. 

“Trust me, I’m not. I’m a terrible dancer.”   
“I can’t believe you until I see proof.”   
“You don’t wanna see.”   
“I absolutely do.”   
“The last person who saw me dance died immediately from how bad it was.”   
With a roll of the eyes, Joe paused the music on his phone. Leaning against the counter, he crossed his arms. He stared into Ben’s eyes for a few seconds before turning his phone back on.  

“Alright,  _ drama queen _ , what if I played  _ Hey Ya!  _ ? That’s like the best song to have ever graced radios across the globe.” 

“Are you seriously going to-”   
Right on cue, Joe began playing the song, practically louder than before. Head bobbing to the beat, he took a few steps toward him. Ben’s eyebrows both raised in surprise as his hands were grabbed, Joe trying his best to get the other man to even attempt to dance. Ben refused tho, staying pretty rigid as Joe pulled him around for a little while. Eventually, he gave up though, letting go. Putting his own hands on his hips, he looked Ben up and down with a skeptical expression. 

“I’ll get you one day, Hardy.” A light smile tugged at his lips. “But as for now, have a good weekend.” Joe pulls on his own jacket, leaving soon after. 

Left a little sad for reasons he wasn’t sure of, Ben watched him go. He sighed, leaving as well and locking up the store. Bracing the cold, nighttime air, he walked down the sidewalk and tried to ignore the squirmy feeling in his stomach. 

 

Two weeks later, Ben had officially decided he wasn’t funny. Still jokeless (and now danceless), he had almost given up on the entire plan. It was when he was in the shower when the stupidest possible kind of joke popped into his head. He rushed washing his hair and got out, pulling up his contact for Joe and calling him right then and there in the bathroom. He paced across the small room, only wearing a towel wrapped around his waist as he counted the rings. 

Joe picked up after the fourth one. “Hello?”   
“What do you call a dinosaur dominated by a triceratops?”   
There was a quiet pause on the other end. Ben could almost imagine the corners of Joe’s lips tugging upward. 

“ _I dunno. What do you call it?_ ”   
“A tricera-bottom.”   
“ _Ha! I mean, uh, pretty good first try. Did you come up with that yourself?_ ”   
“Yeah, just now.” 

“ _I have to admit, that’s actually great. I’d steal it to use on customers, but I’m not sure if they’d appreciate dinosaur sex jokes_.”   
“Okay, well when you say it like that…”   
“ _Do you want to hear my response joke?_ ”   
“Always.”   
“ _Then make sure to meet me at the shitty coffee place near campus. You know the one_.”   
And with that, Joe hung up. Once again, Ben was let a little surprised and a little squiggly in the stomach. Was he serious? He didn’t even give him a time! Ben was naked! It was a rather swell incentive to get dressed, though, as he rushed out of the bathroom to get ready like he was on a crack-high. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of lame. anyway sorry for the delay lol i literally have no excuse  
> oh and YES i did come up with that joke by myself. literally took a week because i'm not funny.  
> thank you to anyone who leaves kudos and comments <3  
> ciao!  
> (remember to get enough sleep and stay hydrated. and yes, im talking to you)
> 
> ps - the song im talking about is Hijo de la Luna by Mecano. it's been stuck in my head for days lmao


	3. On the Topic of Sandwiches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben meets Joe's mom and the two bond at the park, despite a few disagreements that come about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the second part to the jurassic park joke makes an apperance! also take a shot everytime i use a hypen in this

To pretend like he was looking at a text to seem less awkward, Ben turned his phone on to glance at the time for about the eightieth time in the past two minutes. It was still 10:30a.m., the same time it had been the last time he checked. With a sigh, he stared at the doorway, still waiting. The shitty coffee place Joe told him to go to was only a seven-minute walk from his flat. How had Joe not come yet? He’d been waiting for a solid ten minutes and the man was still a no-show. 

_ Maybe I should order a drink,  _ he contemplated, absentmindedly staring at the menu hanging above the counter-top. It felt a tad bit wrong to just lounge around the cafe and  _ not  _ buy anything, after all. He pulled out his wallet, flipping through to find a fiver. Hot tea was somewhat cheap, so he’d stick with that. 

Ben ordered, standing around and scrolling through his phone to change a song when a ray of sunshine walked in. The best part of his morning. Light of his- no, nevermind. It was just another guy that somewhat resembled Joe. With a sigh, he took the tea and thanked the worker. It was as he was adding a packet of sugar when someone grabbed his shoulder. 

“So you can’t afford real food, but you have AirPods?” Joe asked in a cocky manner, making Ben laugh a little. He took them out of his ears and put them back in the case, able to fully put his attention on something else. 

“So you can ask me to go to a coffee shop, but you show up twenty minutes late?” He responded, tilting his head with a playful grin. “And shut it- it was a Christmas gift last year. What was your joke?”   
“I’m not sure it’s AirPod-user worthy, to be honest. I don’t think it can live up to your standards.”   
“Oh, Jesus Christ.”   
“Kidding!” he exclaimed, pulling him over to the nearest empty table. “So, your joke.”   
Ben took a sip of his tea. “My hilarious and original joke?”   
“Yes, that one. I’m not sure it deserves my hysterical follow-up.”   
“Oh, does it now?” 

“Are you ready?”   
The build-up was killing him. If he weren’t about to spit out the funniest dinosaur joke that could trump his, he didn’t want to hear it. 

“You better bloody believe I am.” 

Joe cleared his throat, pulling a serious face. “What do you call a blind dinosaur’s-?”   
“What? You’ve already told me that one!” Ben said. He almost couldn’t believe he was actually disappointed.

“No, I haven’t.” 

“Yes, you have.” 

“Nope. Hear me out: what do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?”   
Ben sighed. “What do you call it?”   
“Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.”   
_Oh. OH! It was an actual follow up!_

With a roll of the eyes, Ben leaned back in his chair. He withheld the smile that nearly slipped out. Did Joe earn the right to gain another smile from him? Not yet, he didn’t 

“Oh, brilliant,” he said with a quiet slow clap, “anything else to save your act?”   
“No, nothing in particular that I could think of. I’d like to think that all of my support and fans come out of pity for how bad my bits are.”   
From there, they spent the next hour just chatting and having some light-hearted banter. It was nice, just being able to talk. The two got along rather well naturally. It was just the fact that hanging out can be a little difficult with balancing work and school. With every silent pause came just more conversation a second later. Something made Ben a little nervous, though. He was never nervous in performing, but just regular… _tête-à-tête_ made his stomach a little jittery. Sometimes he just didn’t know what to say. He worried that he wouldn’t keep the talking going or would just be overall boring. He wasn’t usually like this with Gwilym at dinner or Rami in classes. It was a little unexplainable, but then again so is most of life. 

Around lunchtime, the two left in search of real food. Settling for shitty cafe food was always an option, but an option they would avoid if possible. As they walked down the sidewalk, listening to music via sharing Ben’s AirPods when Joe tugged on his arm to pitch an idea. 

“Hey, we should definitely stop by my mom’s house. She always has food and I should probably go visit her anyway.” He said. 

Ben nodded. “Yeah, sounds alright to me. You think she wouldn’t mind if I was there?” 

“No, she will. You’ll need to eat outside, sorry.”   
There was a break as Ben looked at him blankly. “Are you joking?”   
“Of course I’m joking! No need to take me so seriously. My mom loves guests; she’ll be thrilled to meet you.” 

Finding a bus was simple enough for Joe, seeing as he knew the routes like the back of his hand. There were a few times when they switched buses, but Ben didn’t notice because they spent the entire trip arguing about whether hotdogs were sandwiches or not. 

“Oh my god. It’s meat in between bread! That’s practically the definition of a sandwich!” Ben declared. 

“The definition, huh?” Joe whipped out his phone, looking it up. “ _ An item of food consisting of two pieces of bread with a filling between them, eaten as a light meal. _ ”

“Ha!”   
“A hotdog bun is _one_ piece of bread, dumbass!” 

“No, it isn’t!”   
“Yes, it is!”   
This argument continued even as they walked up the front steps to Joe’s mother’s home. As he rang the doorbell, their bickering got hushed and frantic, both trying to make their point. The second she opened the door, Joe skipped any normal greeting. 

“Mom, is a hotdog a sandwich?” He asked impatiently, crossing his arms. 

She thought about it for a second. “It’s more like a sandwich-themed taco, don’t you think?” 

“That’s even worse. But anyway, hi! This guy is Ben, he goes to my school and works with me.” He gently pushed Ben forwards, who gave a small wave. 

“Hello,” Ben said softly, not really sure if he were to say anything else. 

She smiled at him, giving a small wave back before turning to Joe. “Now, did you come here to ask about hotdogs and prove to me Rami isn’t your only friend, or are you here for food?” 

“Wow,  _ too  _ real, Mom. But alas, we are broke students indeed avoiding paying for lunch. Could you donate to our cause?” 

“Always glad to, dear.”   
She took them inside, waiting for Joe to take Ben’s coat “like a gentleman” and follow her to their kitchen. Another teen boy was sitting on a stool, scrolling through something on his phone. He looked up when Joe and Ben walked in, half-curious, half-uninterested. 

“Ben, are you in the directing program as well?” she asked, pulling something from the oven.

“Oh, uh, no ma’am. I’m in the acting department.” He responded, not really sure where to stand or what to do. 

“Just like Rami! Do you know him? He and Joe have been good friends since middle school. It was so nice when Joseph got accepted in the year after Rami.”   
Joe sat down, not really paying attention to the conversation, instead, distracted by pestering his brother. He turned, motioning for Ben to sit down next to him. That he did. 

“Yes, ma’am, I know Rami. He’s nice.”   
“John, is a hot dog a sandwich?” Joe asked, interrupting and looking hopeful for the answer. 

John looked at him with a confused expression. “No? Bread is the wrong consistency and I’ve never seen hotdogs under the sandwich category on menus.”   
“Exactly! Thank you for backing up the ride answer.” He jokingly stuck his tongue out at Ben when his mother saw, putting her hands on her hips. 

“Joseph Francis Mazzello III, you are twenty-years-old and still acting like a child.” It was a bit funny how she had this little standoff with Joe, the two squinting their eyes at each other. For some reason, it reminded Ben of a “this town ain’t big enough for the both of us”-type scene. 

“Would you rather I be all serious and never come home to visit? Let’s be real now, If I went all stoic for the rest of my time here, you would miss the old me.” 

Their standoff ended with her rolling her eyes and loading a plate with chicken. After getting his food, John disappeared to leave Joe and Ben alone with their mom. 

“Bless up! Man, I really should have just stayed home instead of moving out. I could’ve had your cooking every day.” He said, picking up his fork. 

“Then you would never leave the nest, sweetie.”   
“Of course, I wouldn’t.”   
Ben hadn’t begun eating yet, thanking her first instead. The food she had made was delicious. It wasn’t hard to say it was much better than the junk he’d been eating since August. Ben was a little sad though, missing his own mum’s cooking. He couldn’t wait to go back home for Christmas. 

The rest of the afternoon was rather lovely. Joe showed him around the old neighbourhood where he’d grown up. They settled in an old park, devoid of any children. As they sat down on the swings, Ben pulled out his pack and lighter, sparking up a smoke. 

“Oh my  _ god. _ I think I just found out the real reason you’re broke,” Joe said, giving him a look. 

“The world’s an imperfect place,” Ben replied, taking a drag. 

“Can I have one?” He asked, almost a bit suspiciously. Ben shrugged it off, though, handing him the pack.   
Almost the second after it was placed in Joe’s hands, he took off running. Ben stood up from the swing, shouting and ask what the hell he was doing. When finding the first trash can, Joe slam dunked the pack inside. Ben’s heart dropped as he smoothly walked back to the swings. The cigarette nearly fell from his damn mouth. 

“What the fuck was that for? I can quit whenever I want, dude. I bought that yesterday!” He stage-whispered at him, hoping that no parent would hear him and judgmentally give him The Stare for swearing. 

“That’s what everyone says. My granddad died of lung cancer from a lifetime of smoking. Not a fun experience, buddy. I’ll buy you a pack of gum as compensation, don’t worry.” 

Aggravated, he sat back down as well. Inhaling smoke faster than he meant to and coughing. As if to say “I-told-you-so,” Joe gave a huff of a laugh and shook his head.  _ Fine, I’ll quit. Asshole _ , Ben thought. 

“You see the slide over there?” He randomly said, bringing Ben’s attention to a sad, blue slide. 

“Yeah, the lonely-looking one.”   
“When I was nine I jumped off of it and busted my head open.” Joe smiled at his own statement. It was almost if he were proud of himself. 

“No shit?” Ben raised his eyebrows. “Well, I guess it explains the obsession with dinosaur jokes.” 

Joe chuckled, pushing off the ground to give the swing motion. “Fair enough. Anyway, I think you need to tell me something personal right about now because you’ve seen my entire childhood and this can _not_ be a one-sided relationship.”   
He thought for a moment, swinging back and forth before stopping again. “Anything personal? Or do you happen to have a specific category you want me to spill from.”   
“Anything.”   
“I played clarinet in gradeschool,” He said, pulling the first thing that came up in his head. 

“Really? I’m surprised. I didn’t take you for a rock-and-roll kid.”   
Ben jokingly punched his arm, shaking his head with a laugh. “Shut up. I’m sure you’re a rock legend yourself.”   
“But of course, I am!” Joe said, standing up with gusto. 

He didn’t anticipate that he would be watching Joe air guitar and impersonate the guitar solo from “ _ We Will Rock You, _ ” but here he was. If someone had passed by, it would have been strange to see a man on a trash bin pretending he was playing the guitar without context. Well, even  _ with  _ context it was a bit odd. 

As he stepped down from the bin, Ben clapped. It was colder now that afternoon began to turn into evening. Clapping sort of hurt his cold hands, but he did it. 

Joe gave a bow. “Thank you, thank you. Actually a real thank you because Rami definitely would have ditched me here if I did that in front of him. Anyway, you look like you’re freezing to death out here, so let’s get you home.” 

And that they did, walking back to the bus station and making their way back into the city. It was rather nice actually, how he even walked him back to the flat. Giving him his farewell and thanks for visiting his mother and for supporting the Mazzello Rock Foundation. 

“Oh,” he said, turning back around to face Ben unlocking the door. “And Ben?”   
“Yeah?”   
“If you were a dinosaur, you’d be a tyrannosaurus flex with those AirPods.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the whole smoking things is something i literally saw my cousin do to my aunt last year. it was such a surreal moment that i felt like kind of sharing it (my granddad also died via lung cancer, so that's my bit. i dont think that happened to joe irl so no disrespect is supposed to be targeted at him)  
> thank you to anyone who leaves kudos or comments <3  
> (make sure you're getting enough sleep and that you're hydrated. and yes, im talking to you)


	4. The Evil Existance of Awkward Silences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe someone is more than a friend after all, but Ben's unsure of who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short, I'm sorry skfbsjdfule I've been stressed this week but will try to get another chapter done this weekend, and hopefully one longer than this

Ben rather enjoyed work. He liked the excuse to get out of the house and the other cashier, although not having Joe’s charm, was nice. One day, the normal cashier couldn’t make it, though, and Joe couldn’t come in due to school. This meant he had to multitask and take over the register. At first, he considered trying to be like Joe and tell jokes but got too nervous to actually do it. Throughout the day, though, he found himself doodling little dinosaurs all over the sticky note reminders by the register. They were surprisingly okay for simple tyrannosaurs and brontosauruses. Ben didn’t consider himself an artist, but he was rather happy with how these guys turned out.

When he could finally switch over with the afternoon-evening worker at lunch, he realized he didn’t exactly have anywhere to go. Ben had  _ some _ money for once, which was nice, but most everyone he knew had classes today. Eating ramen noodles at home alone had lost its charm only the second time he had to do it. Then, like a gift from God himself, his phone rang. 

“Hello?” He asked, picking up after the second ring. 

“ _ Hey, _ ” Gwilym responded, “ _ My professor was a no-show. Want to grab lunch? _ ” 

“Yeah, of course! Let me just get changed and I can meet you somewhere.”   
“ _No need. I’m going home too. I’ll just see you there and we can make a game plan. Cool?_ ”   
“Cool.”   
With a smile on his face, he headed back to the flat. He hadn’t spent as much time with Gwilym lately, this would be fun. 

 

Maybe an hour later, the two were sitting in a small restaurant, looking over menus. Ben was actually focusing on the words on the page when he noticed Gwilym looking over the top of his menu at him. They made eye contact for a split second before Gwilym glanced back down. 

“What’re you thinking?”   
“Well, my stomach wants to get some things but my wallet is begging me to get something cheap,” Ben said. 

“Ah, same. Want to ditch and just get fast food?”   
“Absolutely.” 

 

It ended up with the two sitting outside on the small porch of their flat, eating burgers quietly for a little while. Spending time with Gwilym was different than spending time with Joe. With Joe, things all changed so quickly and he had a wild time, unable to expect the next move. With Gwilym, they could be quiet for a while and he still wouldn’t be bored. Awkward silence didn’t exist for them. 

“So are you seeing anyone?” Gwilym asked sort of out of the blue. 

Ben swallowed what he had been chewing before answering. “You mean like if I’m in a relationship?”   
“Yeah.”   
“Then no.”   
“Oh.”   
Perhaps awkward silence existed after all. Ben wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say something else, so instead of speaking he just continued eating. Luckily for him, Gwilym didn’t bring up the topic again and they continue having normal bonding time. Still, that section of conversation threw him off a lot. He couldn’t help but continue to play it out over and over again in his mind. 

 

Friday couldn’t have come sooner, to be honest. It felt a little lame to be looking forward to work, but Ben wanted to see Joe. The two talked more often now and it was great. Whether it was a stupid argument, trying to make new jokes, discussing movies, or their occasional existential conversations at closing time, it was always enjoyable. Sometimes Joe would play obscure music or throwback pop songs and the two would goof around as they cleaned up and got ready to go. Ben had finally given in to dancing, even though keeping up with Joe was tough sometimes. 

Waiting for him to finish ringing up a customer, Ben pretended to be busy. When the person left, he mosied on down to the counter, leaning against it. 

“Hi, Joe.”   
“Hi,” he said back, looking over at him before putting some spare change away. “Did you do all of the prehistoric-themed decorations here?” 

Ben’s eyes wandered along the sticky notes, following the path of dinosaurs he had made himself. “Yeah. I was pretty bored all by myself. Had to cope _somehow_.”   
“Nice. They’re cute, I guess.” Joe picked one up, looking over the little velociraptor doodle. 

“Thank you.”   
“Of course.”   
They continued their small talk until more customers came in and Ben had to get back to work. He didn’t want to, really. It wasn’t that it was hard. Putting away and sorting supplies and boxes in the storage area was rather simple. He’d just prefer talking to Joe. Specifically right now. There wasn’t a specific reason why. Reasons didn’t really find a way into his actions lately. Finally, Joe was alone again. 

He walked over, thinking for a moment before speaking something that had… bothered him, almost. “What does it mean when someone asks if you’re seeing anyone?” 

“No offense, but you might be dumb. They’re obviously interested in you.” 

_ Really?  _

“What if it’s your friend?”   
“Interested.”   
“What if… what if it’s another guy?”   
Joe hesitated to answer, as if he suddenly understood something he wished he didn’t have to. “Interested, probably. Can I ask who asked you this?” 

“I don’t know if I should out him- er, them. Not fair, I guess.” He shrugged, now wondering if he shouldn’t have brought it up. 

“Cool. Well, I guess that makes sense. You don’t need to out them.” 

Things got quiet. Cursing himself silently, Ben realized he had created yet again  _ another  _ awkward silence. This was not ideal, not at all. Something was off. He didn’t exactly know what, but something was. Whatever it was, however, he was sure it would get resolved soon. 

Right?    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is light-hearted, but we need some drama. hope ya like triangles. specifically love triangles. joe isnt upset about what you probably think he's upset about (not even upset, really)  
> im so tired holy shit. i pulled 3 all-nighters this week for a project n i think i killed my brain  
> thank you sm to anyone who leaves kudos and comments <3
> 
> (remember to get enough sleep and stay hydrated. and yes, im talking to you)


	5. Balancing Between Withdrawing and Commencing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Ben quits one bad habit, he's introduced to a new one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a joke with myself writing this to use as many words that started with 'p' as possible. anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter^^

Ben was holding up the sky on his shoulders. He was Atlas, struggling to not get crushed by such pressure from the weight being carried. None of this was happening in a literal sense, of course, but trying to kick his bad habit gave the same effect. He’d told Joe that he’d give up smoking after his new pack had been catapulted into the trash, but that didn’t go to plan. There were still three packs at the flat, and he didn’t want them to go to waste! He’d paid money for those! After throwing away the newly empty pack, Ben was already having to tell himself not to buy a new one. He was a new man after today. It was for the best. 

Now here he was, staring at the ceiling in his room and gripping the sheets. It had been exactly fifty-two hours since Ben had quit. He was itching to take a drag. God, he wanted a smoke so bad. 

“Life is positively a fucking nightmare!” Ben yelled at the roof, hearing Gwilym shouting back to see if he was okay. 

It was impossible for his mood to get worse. He had officially hit an all-time low. 

Sadly for him, that statement ended up being wrong. 

Precisely seventy-six hours into his departure from a particularly bad habit, he found himself walking in circles around the storage area in the shop. He hadn't been able to focus  _ all day _ and it was driving him mad. The moment a customer left Joe’s register, he practically bolted out. 

“Do you have any gum?” He asked quickly, ignoring how desperate he sounded. 

It took approximately two seconds for Joe to understand. “Oh, shoot. I never bought you that pack, I’m sorry. Alright, come with me real quick.” 

He took Ben by the arm to find their selection of gums. They looked around the few different brands. His foot was tapping by itself. He partially wondered if he was actually sweating as much as he felt or if it was all in his head. 

“Nicotine or regular?” Joe asked, holding up two kinds: one spearmint and one nicotine. 

“I- uh, can I say both?” 

“Yeah, of course. Sounds like a good reward for quitting. That and, like, an extra  _ decade  _ of life.” 

Joe went to the register, paying for them himself as a somewhat impatient Ben stood there, waiting. The second he handed the two packages to him, he ripped the plastic off and put the nicotine-branded stick in his mouth. Just having something to do with his mouth was a relief. 

“Thank you.”   
“No problem.” 

The two continued working for a while. After a few minutes, Ben could feel himself calming down. He was a tad bit dizzy, but that didn’t last. Throughout the afternoon, he continued to feel better. Life had improved to be positively okay. At the end of the day, he and Joe were both getting ready to leave. He shuffled his jacket on, popping in an AirPod to listen to music during his walk back home. Joe tapped him on the shoulder. 

“Are you busy at all tomorrow?” He asked, looking a bit hopeful. 

He thought about it. “I have an early morning class, but I’m free after one-thirty. What’s up?” 

Joe shifted his weight awkwardly. “I get half-off tickets to the Bronx Zoo. A family friend works there on Saturdays and is always willing to cheat the system. Do you wanna go?”   
A smile was brought to his face. “Oh sure, I’ve never been to any of the zoos around here. Sounds fun. Want me to just call you when I’m let out?”   
“Yeah, that’d be perfect.”   
“Great.”  
“Great.”   
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Goodnight, Joe.” 

“Goodnight.”   
With that he walked home, a soft grin spreading from cheek to cheek. Life had been promoted to positively grand. 

 

The next morning, Ben found himself craving a smoke once again. Instead of buying a pack on the way to his class like his body was screaming at him to do, he just pulled out the gum. It wasn’t the real thing, but it did the best job it could. 

He was glad his class was with Rami today. Allen was there as well, but the two weren’t well acquainted yet. With these two and three others, they made up a lab group. Their job was to put together a scene from  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream _ . It was only their second week working on it, and they had one more, but Ben could still worry less. In the middle of their practice, Rami leaned over to whisper in his ear. 

“Are you gay?”   
Confusion spread over his face. “Excuse me?”   
“Sorry, I should word it better. Have you ever, are you currently, or will you ever be interested in dudes?” Rami didn’t even look over at him. He said his line as Oberon and their half left the centre of the stage. 

Ben waited until no one would be looking over. “I don’t know! Why would you ask that?”   
“You know why I’m asking. Did you say yes or not?”   
Something clicked in his head. Oh. _Oh._ “Of course, I said yes. Why would I not? That doesn’t mean I’m gay.”   
“Buddy, if you said yes to him, then I think you are.” Rami raised an eyebrow. 

What had clicked not even a second ago got half-disconnected. Ben found himself confused. A zoo trip wasn’t a marriage proposal. It wasn’t even inherently romantic. Joe had just invited him to hang out as he had done in the past. 

Just as Ben had promised, the moment class was over he called Joe. “Hey, I’m ready to go if you are,” he said giving his friend a look. 

“ _ Cool! I’ll meet you at the subway station? _ ” 

“Sounds good to me. See you there.” Right after hanging up, he turned to face Rami. “See? Just Joe and I hanging out like normal friends do. Neither of us participating in gay activities.” 

In return, Ben received an addle expression. “Joe?” Rami asked. 

“Duh, who else would we be talking about?”   
A light bulb turned on above Rami’s head. _The bastard hadn’t asked yet after all._ He meant to stop and explain, but Ben had already hurried off to meet their other friend. 

“Shit.”    


For some reason, Ben felt his stomach heat up as he and Joe began their commute. What if Rami was asking because…  _ no. That can’t be true.  _ He snuck a glance at him, watching as he casually texted Gwilym. 

“So!” Joe said, shutting off his phone. “We don’t have all day, but I do plan on giving you the grand tour. You shall not be safe from skipping any exhibits today, sir.”   
“But of course. I would be sorely disappointed if we did.” He said in response, looking over the phone in his hands. His soft-looking hands with nails neatly trimmed. The warm feeling expanded, making him almost unable to sit still. He didn’t expect what Rami said to have such an effect on him. Had he been looking at Joe the wrong way this entire time? 

The rest of their travel to the zoo was fun. They brought back the Hotdog v.s. The State of Sandwiches case, introduced a new topic of who would win in a battle royale with every superhero in the Marvel universe (They had both agreed on Thor), whether sparkling water was good or not, and how cool sharks were (some fine points were made by Joe, including how the Jaws theme was so iconic and how it wasn’t their fault that humans could look like seals). Every conversation was so individually bizarre and entertaining. Ben couldn’t have asked for a better person to talk about dumb topics with. That thought, however, reminded him of something. 

_ “Are you gay?” _

No. He wasn’t. That was the end of it. 

 

Their actual time at the zoo was so pleasurable. During the entirety of it, Joe would pretend to be a tour guide and spout largely outlandish “fun facts” about the animals. They got overpriced and mediocre zoo food, did actually manage to see every exhibit, and got more bonding time. Ben was left on his toes. Was this a friend hangout or more? Why was he paranoid about this? Even more, why did he almost want it to be the latter? 

Nearing the end of the day, the two were sat on a bench inside the World of Birds building. A quietness settled over them as they looked at the exhibit. Ben was tensed up. What if he asked something now?   
Right on cue, Joe cleared his throat. “Hey,” he said. Ben looked over, but Joe wouldn’t. “What’s louder than a dinosaur?”   
_Oh. Of course._ It wasn’t what he wante- expected, but it still made him smile a little. “I dunno.”   
“Two dinosaurs. What’s louder than two dinosaurs?”   
“Three dinosaurs?”   
“No. Your mom is.”   
It was almost infuriating that it made him laugh a little. “Wow, very mature, Joe.”   
He finally looked over at him. “What? I know for a fact. Last night she was so loud. Kind of like a siren as I-” 

“Oh my god, stop,” Ben said, sides shaking a little from trying to not laugh. “I cannot believe you.” 

“Mhm, and I can’t believe you either.” 

“For what?”   
“Reasons.”   
The two created a staring contest. Ben felt trapped by his eyes, unable to look away. He started expecting again. Joe was going to lean in. He was going to lean in. _He was going to lean in._ Joe instead leaned away, giving a low chuckle. 

“We should probably head home, yeah?”   
“Oh,” Ben blinked, “Uh, yeah.”   
“Yeah.”   
From there, the two left the zoo and started the ride back home. To say Ben was embarrassed was an understatement. He was humiliated at himself for overthinking all of this. Nothing had happened today that was suggestive. Rami had literally told him that it was more, so why wasn’t it? God, _why was he so upset that nothing had happened?_

When they finally got back into their part of the city, Joe walked him back to the door of the flat. It was rather awkward and rather quiet as Ben unlocked the door. He felt a tad bit bad for acting so reserved out of nowhere. Joe didn’t deserve that. He turned around, sighing and putting on a tired smile. 

“Thank you for today. It was rather lovely getting a full tour of the zoo. You’ll have to take me to Central Park next time.”   
Joe smiled back. “Oh absolutely. We’ll hit ever zoo in New York. But I’m glad you had fun.”   
“Well, goodnight.”   
“Goodnight, Ben.”   
He went inside, shutting the door and leaning against it for a moment just to take a breather. Ben could hardly believe himself, now. This disappointed feeling was pathetic. He walked up the stairs into the flat, collapsing on the couch with a groan. 

“Ben?” A voice called out as Gwilym walked over. “You alright?”

Shifting to make room for him to sit, Ben gave a half-assed nod. “I’m good. Just a bit stressed. The smoking thing, I guess.”   
“Oh, okay.”   
They were quiet for a moment. Ben couldn’t help but notice how many quiet moments had existed today. Were all of them caused by him? Upon looking up, he saw Gwilym intently staring at the rug. It was as if he had something to say but wasn’t sure how to. No matter what it was, Ben probably wouldn’t care. Not in a rude way, but in the sense that nothing Gwilym could say would bother him. 

“Oh, erm, Ben?” 

He glanced up at him. “Yeah?”   
“Would you fancy going on a date with me?” 

_ Oh.  _

_ OH. _

 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> choo choo, here comes the hardlee train  
> oh yeah so i adore sharks and dinosaurs. could literally talk about them all day. don't ever get me started on the topic  
> thank you so much to anyone who leaves me kudos and comments, love you <3
> 
> (remember to get enough sleep and stay hydrated. and yes im talking to you)


	6. Getting Things Straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or Ben has some things to think over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #FillerChapter oops  
> also y'all know i think im funny with that title lmaoo

Ten minutes _.  _ It had been about ten minutes since Gwilym awkwardly left to go back to his room. Ten minutes since Ben had been left alone on this couch.  _ Ten minutes since that goddamn clock seemed to get eight-hundred times louder in the evening silence.  _ He had to take a moment to sort of think about what had just happened. 

 

 _“Would you fancy going on a date with me?”_ _  
__Instead of responding as any normal person should do, Ben lost all forms of communication and stared at him. He wasn’t trying to be rude, he just had absolutely no idea how to respond. It made sense, really. Gwilym had literally asked him if he were single just two weeks ago. Rami hadn’t been talking about Joe at all. God, he felt a bit stupid._

 

He turned his phone on and off over and over again, not even looking at the screen. It was just a little therapeutic pressing that button over and over again. Ben’s music had been off soon after he got home but he didn’t intend on turning it back on. It was thinking time. It wasn’t enjoyable, yet it was somewhat necessary for this evening. 

 

_ All this staring obviously made poor Gwilym so nervous he began speaking faster than a hummingbird flutters its wings.  _

_ “Imeanifyoudidn’twanttoI’dtotallyunderstandandIwon’tbeupsetifyousaynobecause-” _

_ “Yeah,” Ben interrupted, finally finding his ability to speak, “I’d be down.”  _

 

Through and through, Ben couldn’t forget everything he had expected and assumed from this morning up to about twenty minutes ago. He felt wrong for thinking that of Joe when it was only an assumption. He felt wrong for saying yes to Gwilym immediately after just being okay with the thought of Joe kissing him at the zoo. Wait- no. Shit- wait.   
_So I was okay with that?_ _  
__No, dumbass, you just thought he was going to do it. Who said you were okay with it?_

_ But I was okay with it.  _

_ Fuck.  _

In retrospect, Ben had agreed to go on a date with Gwilym, who was, in fact, another guy. Dates are romantic, not something that friends just do. He  _ was  _ okay with it, but he wasn’t sure how to feel about that. He never wanted to be a stereotype. He wasn’t just a gay theatre kid. Ben was more than an archetype. God, at least he thought he was. God, God, God. The problem was that he couldn’t deny he liked somebody who was a guy. Liked like. More than friendly. 

 

_ Gwilym raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? Are you not messing with me?”  _

_“Well when you say date, you mean like…”_ _  
__“What other kind of date is there, Ben?”_ _  
___Good point. “True. Well, yeah. I’d still be down.” He watched as his friend (more than?) got up the couch, unable to tone-down how absolutely overjoyed he was.

_ “Great! Uh, great. I’m just going to go back to my room. Don’t want to make it awkward because we, um, live together. Don’t want it to get, uh, weird.” Gwilym backed away, leaving Ben alone on the couch. _

 

It was around midnight when Ben finally decided that he would never fall asleep.  He’d transferred to his bed a few hours ago, deciding he should just go to bed. The constant thinking was taking over every part of his brain, especially the part that normally allowed him to sleep. Although being physically tired, he was so mentally awake. It was kind of driving him crazy. Part of him wondered if someone else would be up that he could talk to. Would it be selfish to call someone at this hour? Selfish or not, Ben just felt the desperate need to confide in somebody else. 

After scrolling through his contacts a few times up and down, he finally decided on a person. They were probably awake, judging them. He pressed the call button, laying in the dark with the phone to his ear. It rang for a few times, making him suddenly doubt his past judgment over them.   
“ _Hello?_ ”   
_Finally, thank God._

“Can you tell me a joke?” Ben asked Joe softly, not bothering with an explanation. 

There was a short pause on the other end. “ _Yeah, um, just let me think._ ”   
“Okay.” He could wait. 

“ _ What’s the best way to talk to a velociraptor? _ ” 

“I dunno, how?”   
“ _Long distance._ ”   
Ben exhaled from his nose slightly as an attempt to laugh. It got quiet on the line again before Joe spoke up again. 

“ _ You alright? _ ” There was a slight worry in his voice. 

He nodded at first, then realized he was stupid and needed to answer out loud. “Yeah, I just, um, yeah. Can I tell you something?”   
“ _Of course, dude_.”   
_Shit. He wasn’t ready to explain. How was he going to do this?_ Swallowing, Ben felt like his throat would close up. Why was this so nerve-wracking? “I, erm, I, uh… I think I’m gay.”   
Joe took a few seconds to formulate a response. Ben couldn’t help but notice how many delays there had been in this conversation. “ _Well, thanks for telling me. But, um, I’d kind of assume you were if you had said yes to Gwilym._ ”   
His heart fell out of his ass. “How do you know about that?” 

“ _ Er, he kind of hit all of us up with such extreme excitement and happiness earlier talking about what happened. Don’t get mad at him for it, though. The dude’s been talking about how much he’s liked you for a while. It’s more a surprise that he got the balls to ask you out, to be honest.”  _

Pushing his hair off of his forehead, Ben felt embarrassed. Everyone knew.  _ Holy shit- everyone knew.  _ That wasn’t ideal. It was the opposite of ideal. 

“ _ Seriously though, _ ” Joe continued, “ _ don’t worry about it. Everyone seemed happy for y’all. Nobody’s judging. _ ”

 

_ Nobody’s judging.  _

 

_ Nobody’s judging.  _

 

On the stage, Ben was posed at Rami’s legs as he gave his lines. It was Saturday again. An entire week had gone by since Gwilym had asked him out.  Tonight was the night they were actually going to go on a date, though. He should have been paying attention to their performance, seeing as it was a grade, but his mind couldn’t help but wander. 

 

_ Nobody’s judging.  _

 

He continued with the choreography they decided as Rami walked around, looking as fairy-like as possible. Ben felt a new kind of nervous. Not stage-fright nor thinking-Joe’s-hang-out-was-a-date, but instead realizing that he was going on an actual date. Now, it wasn’t as if Ben had never been on a date before. He’d been on so many in high school. This was different. This was his roommate he was going on a date with. This was Gwilym he was going on a date with. This was a guy. 

_“Would you fancy going on a date with me?”_ _  
__“Yeah, I’d be down.”_ __  
  


The Oberon Gang exited the stage, quietly high-fiving Rami and everyone else. Ben was glad it was over, but couldn’t shove the amalgamation of worried thoughts out of his head. 

 

_ “Seriously? Are you not messing with me?” _

 

_ No, I guess I’m not.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah ik this chapter was kind of boring, I'm sorry. the next one will have real storyline to it besides ben being all like "OMG am i gay??? am i straight??? omg this is cRaZy!!!"   
> and i added a specific line in here that makes sense to me for the story further down but nobody else might understand. if you figure it out, bonus points.  
> big big thank you to anyone who leaves kudos and comments!! yall are so sweet i love you guys <3
> 
> (oh, remember to get enough sleep and stay hydrated btw. and yes, im talking to you)


	7. Playing With His Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't mean it to be mean. He really doesn't. He'll make something there, even if it's pretend. 
> 
>  
> 
> In which Ben has to protect himself from a nonexistant threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's always drama tbh  
> life without it wouldnt be life  
> anyway get ready to see the light and then get immediatley get kicked in the nuts

Ben couldn’t help but fidget in his chair. He felt awkward. He  _ was  _ awkward. They were at dinner in a somewhat nice restaurant. With a table right next to the window, Ben constantly found himself distracted by the people passing by outside. Part of him briefly wondered what it was like to not be on a date right now. He didn’t mean it in a rude way, really. This all just seemed too formal for him and he’d rather do something casual. 

Across the small table from him, Gwilym took a sip from his drink and watched his date seem more interested in the people on the sidewalk. It felt a bit bad, but he also couldn’t exactly blame Ben for that. This just meant he had to be a bit less boring. 

“So, uh, if you could go back in time to any point in history, where would you go?” He asked, inwardly cringing at the question. _Really, Gwil? Time travel?_ __  
In response, Ben blinked, a little surprise from the random question. “Um, I dunno. The 70’s or 80’s, maybe.”   
“Really? Why?”   
“I could go see a Queen concert, I guess. That’d be cool.” He shrugged, saying the first thing that came off of the top of his head. 

Gwilym smiled. “I didn’t know you liked Queen.”   
“We never really talk about music. But yeah, I do.”   
“Well, cool. I do too.”   
From there they managed to get a conversation going about the band, ranking songs and discussing their favourites in general. Gwilym said he bet that Ben couldn’t hit any of the falsetto notes. Ben said he could, but wasn’t willing to try it out in the restaurant. It was nice that they could speak normally again. It wasn’t as weird once they got it going. 

The two were able to finish dinner without things getting crazy. Upon leaving (Gwilym insisted to pay for the two of them, despite Ben’s argument to split the bill), they passed by a poster that caught Ben’s eye for a moment. An idea popped up in his head, but he decided to keep it to himself for later. He kept up with Gwilym’s quick stride as they just walked around the city. It was snowing a small bit that evening, reminding him of how nice it was to have a better jacket. Ben was able to save up and invest in a coat and was magically never that cold anymore. Practically a miracle. 

They found themselves walking through a park later in the evening. It was suspiciously quiet this evening, especially for the city. Their conversations had ceased during this walk. Ben found himself a bit tense. Something about this was off. It all felt like an act on his part. He was just going through the motions. 

As soon as Gwilym cleared his throat, Ben knew things were going to get worse.  _ Oh dear god please don’t ask-  _

“Ben, I, um, would you maybe want to, uh, be more than friends? More than roommates, as well. Not that I mean we need to- God, okay nevermind just forget I said that. But I like you a lot and I’m not sure if you can feel the same at all-”   
_I’m sorry._

“-but I think we could make it work if you wanted to. And of course, you don’t need to feel obliged to say yes either. If you don’t want to it’s totally fine as well.”   
Ben waited until he was sure he was done talking, then stopped in his tracks. He noticed how the snow was starting to stick to the ground a bit. It looked pretty. “Okay, um,” he started, unsure of how to even say this, “I… I need to think about it. I know that’s not a good answer, but I really do need time. I don’t want to rush into something I’m not ready for.”   
Eye contact seemed a little impossible. His eyes were not allowed to land on the disappointed face of Gwilym. It made him a bit sad. The guy was trying to conceal it quite a bit, but it still shone through. He didn’t want to embarrass him or make him feel bad. He just genuinely didn’t know if this was a relationship he wanted to be in. 

“I’m sorry, Gwilym.”   
“No, no, don’t apologize. That’s not your fault. I can’t blame you for that. Thanks for um, thanks for going out with me still tonight. I appreciate that. I’m just going to go home. Are you going back too?” He asked, pointing in the general direction of the flat. 

Ben thought about it for a minute, formulating some different evening plans in his head. “Nah, I’m going to continue to walk around. But, um, yeah, thanks for tonight. Have a safe walk back. Don’t get mugged or something.”   
“You too.”   
With that, Gwilym departed and Ben pulled out his phone, calling somebody up. 

“Hey, are you busy? No? Do you wanna go ice skating? Perfect.”   
After all, he needed a second opinion on the situation. It wasn’t just a random hangout. There was more to it. Ben just didn’t want an excuse to see him 

 

About fifteen minutes later, he and Joe were lacing up their skates outside the venue. Ben had paid for both due to the extra cash he had from Gwilym covering dinner. It was a small venue, not many people skating at eight-thirty. 

“So,” Joe started, finding his balance on the ice before looking over at Ben having a small bit of difficulty getting used to it, “aren’t you supposed to be on a date right now?”   
“It ended right before I called you,” he responded, finally standing up straight. 

“Interesting, interesting. How’d it go?”   
“Bad.”   
“ _Bad?_ ”   
Ben sighed. “Okay, maybe not bad, but it didn’t end nicely. He asked me to be his boyfriend, I think, and I told him I wasn’t sure and needed time to think.”   
Turning around and skating backwards to face Ben, still struggling, Joe raised an eyebrow. “Gay but not for him?”   
“What?” Ben asked. 

“You said on the phone last week that you were gay, but apparently not for poor Gwilym. Who is it then? Any cute actors in your classes?”   
He could feel his face go a bit red. “Who says I like anyone?”   
“Everyone likes someone.”   
“Well, who do you like then?” He shot back, refusing to give his real answer. 

Joe thought about it for a moment. “Not sure if you’re worthy of knowing. Can you please tell me? I’m a curious man.”   
“Not sure if you’re worthy of knowing.”   
This answer made him smile a little, turning around to skate forward. He had to slow down a little to let Ben keep up. He’d improved since they started, but still was a poor skater. This led up to the very obvious question Joe needed to ask. 

“Why’d you ask me to go skating if you’re, um, inadequate?”   
Giving a huff of a laugh, Ben crossed his arms and glided forward on the ice without moving his legs. “Rude. And I’m not sure, it just sounded kind of fun.”   
“Are you having fun?”   
“Yeah, I guess.”   
“Good, purpose served then.”   
They continued to skate around for a while. Joe would show off his skating skills and try to teach Ben “how to not be bad,” as he said. When added up, the two both had about seven falls in total. Highlights of this reel included Ben trying to do a jump and failing miserably and Joe slipping backwards from laughing so hard not even three seconds afterwards. When leaving after about an hour, they bought hot chocolate at a stand and walked around. 

“I think I broke my back,” Ben said for possibly the eightieth time in their stroll. 

“Builds character,” Joe said back, taking a sip of his drink. 

Stopping at a bridge, the two just watched the water flow underneath. Cars passed by, washing them over with bright light before it was dark again. The hot chocolate tasted rich and better than the dollar-fifty he paid for. Everything felt nice. Ben was relaxed, not tense. The snowfall was beginning to get harder, filling Joe’s hair with white. 

_ Is he ginger or brunet? Or is he a brunet ginger? Is that a thing?  _

“Hey,” Joe said, halting Ben’s train of thought, “I just remembered that I had one for you. I wanted to say it when you were coming out to me over the phone but I don’t think it was the right time.”   
“What do you mean?”   
“What do you call a gay dinosaur?”   
“What?”  
“Mega-sore-ass.”   
It took Ben a little bit to get it before he playfully smacked Joe’s arm. “I hate you sometimes.”   
Laughing, Joe backed a way to protect himself from any other hits. “That’s a lie. You know you love me.” 

“Only in your dreams. How do you even come up with all of these anyway?” Ben shook his head, a smile gracing his lips. 

“Would you believe me if I told you I have a website of dinosaur jokes bookmarked on my laptop? I have to get creative sometimes, though. Kind of easy to run out of jokes.” he leaned his back against the railing, looking at Ben as he continued to drink from his hot chocolate. 

“God, please don’t. I’m not quite sure what I’d do if you didn’t tell me a bad joke every single time I saw you.”   
“Probably die.”   
“Yeah, I’d probably die.”   
Joe grinned. “No worries then. I won’t run out of them. Don’t need you dying on me.” 

“Of course.”

“Of course.”    


When they decided to head back closer to where Ben lived, they listened to music through Ben’s AirPods. It was significantly colder out now, around ten o’clock, and Ben could feel it despite the nice jacket. Throughout the walk, Joe would try and recreate the _Singing in the Rain_ iconic lamp post twirl without slipping. So far, his performance of “Yelling in the Snow” was rather silly and made Ben crack up each time he did it.   
“You’re going to get us arrested!” he said, hardly able to breathe from laughing so much. “You’re so loud!”   
“They’d automatically bail us out because of you being a flexosaurus.”   
“Alright, _sure._ ”   
“Your lack in faith unsettles me.”   
“Are you trying to quote _Star Trek_ or whatever? ‘Cuz I’m pretty sure you did it wrong.”   
Joe stopped dead in his tracks, jaw dropping as he looked at Ben. “Are you joking?”   
“No?”   
He threw up his hands. “Oh my god! Oh my _god_! It was a bad rendition of a _Star Wars_ quote!”   
Ben rolled his eyes. “Oh, whatever. It’s practically the same thing.”   
“Whatever? Whatever!” Joe looked so unbelievably upset at this statement. “I can literally never talk to you again. You are undeserving of my attention and my jokes and my presence in general.” 

“Joe.”   
He walked forward, totally ignoring him. 

“ _Joe._ ”   
Still no answer. 

“Do I at least get the left AirPod back?” 

_ Silence.  _

“Damn.”   
Finally at that, Joe turned around. “Man, I should have decided to major in acting instead. If you ask me, that was a pretty convincing performance.”   
“Wait, was it actually a _Star Trek_ quote?”   
He was completely and utterly exasperated. “ _No._ You’re an idiot for saying that. Because of this, I will be forced to make you watch episode four with me now so you can officially know that it is _not_ a _Star Trek_ quote.”   
“Alright.”   
“Alright.”   


Later that night, around eleven, they sat themselves on a bench outside of the flat. Ben didn’t feel like going in yet and Joe was willing to stay out with him. They talked about movies, the snow, Ben’s taste in music being good, the snow, how late it was, the snow, dogs, and occasionally the snow.   
“I feel like Jack in the end of _The Shining_.”   
“When he’s in the picture?”   
“No, dumbass, when he’s frozen to death the next morning after trying to murder his kid.” 

“Oh. That makes more sense.”   
The night went on. Part of the city asleep, part of it awake. The snowfall had gotten softer, but a good inch or two was sticking to the ground. The music in the background really worked with the night aesthetic. Ben partially wondered if Joe was paying attention to things such as this like he had been. 

“Can I ask you something?” Joe asked, looking over at him. 

“Yeah, of course.” Ben said. 

“Is it me that you like?”   
His heart stopped, or maybe got too fast. His nerves had gone from very calm to freaking out in the span of a single second. Ben’s head snapped up to look at him, eyes wide.

“What? Why would you ask that?”   
His paranoid voice threw Joe off. “I was just curious. I mean you asked me to go ice skating and everything and totally avoided the question earlier.”   
Standing up, Ben could feel his face heating up in embarrassment. “No. _No!_ I-I don’t like anybody! I told you!”

“You’re being very defensive about this.”   
“I don’t want to talk to you about this right now. I’m just going to go home. Goodnight, Joe.” 

“Do you want the AirPod back first?”   
He paused, turning around feeling humiliated and took it back, going back up to his flat as quickly as possible. It was as he was unlocking the door that he realized how poorly he defended himself. He had acted as though Joe accused him of murder, for Christ’s sake! The second he got in, he threw his coat on the table and kicked off his shoes. Walking up to Gwilym’s door and knocking, he heard a quiet, “ _Come in!”_ before entering. 

His friend was sitting on his bed, typing something up on his laptop. Without warning, Ben made his way over to the side, gently pushing the laptop off to the side and taking its place on Gwilym’s lap. 

Blushing and confused by Ben wrapping his arms around his neck, Gwilym adjusted his glasses. “You were gone for a long time. Is everything, um, alrigh-”   
Ben cut him off with a kiss. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. Maybe this plan wasn’t smart, but it was the best way to avoid the earlier subject. After a little bit, he pulled away. 

“Yeah,” he panted slightly, “yeah, I’d like to be more than friends.” 

Of course, this was the only way. This was his only plan. Even if it all came crashing down, it bought him time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowkey im Team Gwilym Doesn't Deserve This cuz it isnt his fault these two are bad at communicating and deal with their problems via building walls to no longer face them  
> ugh they're BIG DUMB but then again so am i so the apples dont fall far from the tree  
> (also can we talk about how I always mention them listening to music through AirPods? idk i mean i do that literally all the time with friends so it seems normal to me but I just noticed how i write that in practically every chapter)  
> thank you so much to anyone who leaves kudos and comments! love you guys <3
> 
> (remember to get enough sleep and stay hydrated! and yes, im talking to you)


	8. The Art of Hiding in Your Friend's Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy helps Ben discover what he doesn't want to admit as the truth comes out in dark spaces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is kinda all over the place lmfao  
> but hey !!! lucy is here !!! god my gay ass is in love with this woman, holy sh i t
> 
> anyway i hope you enjoy the hardzello content i finally added. yknow, probably the only reason you clicked on this fic in the first place? the thing i have yet to add before the 8th chapter? yeah that's here

Being in a relationship with Gwilym got better with time. That’s what Ben was telling himself, at least. The awkward stages were mostly over and the majority of it was similar to the close friends they were before. Ben could yell utter nonsense in rage at his online core classes and Gwilym would understand or try and help him, even. In their little free time, the two would go out or just watch tv. Neither were very physical for a while. That’s what made Ben sometimes forget the relationship he was in. Besides occasionally ending up with arms wrapped around him on the couch or a kiss on the cheek, there wasn’t too much interaction. It was safe to assume Gwilym was just being a bit shy. Therefore, Ben had to take most of the initiative.

The first day back at work, he found himself glad that he didn’t work with Joe as much. He wanted to avoid the guy at all costs, honestly. He wasn’t mad or upset with him, but the idea of seeing him made him want to vomit. It was embarrassing, end of story. By the time Friday came, he considered faking sick. After mentally debating it for an hour, he gave in and got dressed in his uniform to leave. He could get over it. 

Nearly the second he walked in, Joe looked up and quickly finished ringing up a customer. He waited for Ben to walk over to the staff room and drop his bag before coming out. 

“You’re  _ dating  _ him?” Was all he asked at first. 

“Yeah, and what about it?” Ben said back, not even looking at him as he re-stocked the nearest shelf to the register. 

“I seem to remember you telling me you didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. Whatever happened to that bit?” 

“Jesus, man.” Ben turned around. “Maybe I just changed my mind? I’m allowed to do that. Gwilym’s a good guy.” 

“Well, I mean good for you guys then. I’m happy for you.” 

  
_Liar._

_ Liar. _

_ Liar. _

_ Say what you really mean.  _

It got a little quiet when Ben decided to actually work. Contrary to most days, he managed to get a lot done. All new shipments were carefully put away, shelves were stocked, he finally cleaned up the disorganized mess in the storeroom, and weirdly ended up with some free time around five.  _ I guess this is what it’s like when you’re not constantly distracted by Joe,  _ he thought to himself. It wasn’t exactly true, however. Ben didn’t always work this much on his other week-shifts. 

Listening in to the ending of Joe’s conversation with a customer, he pretended to be interested in a can of corn. 

“That’ll be twelve-fifty-five. Cash or card? Oh, how do dinosaurs decorate their floors?” 

The man swiped his card on the pad. “I dunno, how do they?”   
“With rep-tiles.”   
“Wow, that’s a bad one. I’ll have to tell my son that, though. He loves dinosaurs.”   
“If that’s the case he’s definitely a cool kid. I love dinosaurs too, after all.”   
It made Ben smile a little bit, hearing this. It was just rather pure is all. Joe was so good with people. 

“Haha, he’d like you then. Anyway, have a good day.”   
“You too.”   
He was mad at himself for having to be mad at Joe. Life was boring and too short to be petty. If Joe had something else to say about his relationship, he would have already said it. Maybe Ben was just _hoping_ he would say something. That he would give him an excuse to end it. After all, Joe was the only reason he was in this relationship in the first place. 

_ No. Don’t say that. Gwilym doesn’t deserve that.   _

Sighing, he stepped out of the aisle. Joe eyed him for a moment before looking up at the ceiling as if he were searching for the right thing to say. 

“You know, it’s not fair to the other person if you don’t actually like them.” He said. It both made and didn’t make sense to Ben. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, moving closer. 

“It means you’re leading him on. It’ll hurt him more the longer it goes on if it’s pretend on your end. Oh hey, that rhymed-”   
“It’s not pretend.” Ben cut him off, feeling a pit open up in his stomach. 

Joe gave him a look. “Name one thing you like about him.” 

He blinked, a little surprised by the question. “Uh, he’s smart and nice and makes good mac‘n’cheese.”   
“Okay, first of all, I said one and that was like a million things-”

“It was literally three.”

“- _But_ I could have said that about him, and I don’t like like him. Name something else.”   
This was an aggravating game. It wouldn’t be near so annoying if it weren’t directly proving Joe’s point. Of course, he liked Gwilym. He could like him for bloody mac’n’cheese! That was a valid point! 

“He’s got long legs?” The vast unsureness in his statement caused his voice to go up at the end. Not only was it a dumb point, he didn’t even sound confident in it. 

It didn’t help his case when Joe started laughing. “He’s got long legs! Is that the only thing you could come up with?”   
“Oh, shut up!” 

“ _ He’s got long legs! _ ”    
  


Originally, Ben planned on going out after work, but instead just went home. He needed to… well, not exactly test something out, but just see if perhaps Joe had been wrong. He wasn’t sure if he wanted him to be or not, though. If he was, it would be a problem with ending the relationship but still living with Gwilym. If he wasn’t, then Ben would be happy? He just didn’t know. 

They were innocently on Ben’s bed, really not doing anything at all. Ben laid across it, his head resting on Gwilym’s lap as he scrolled through his phone. Gwilym was subconsciously playing with his hair as he read something. It felt nice. It  _ was  _ nice. Everything felt comfortable and warm. If either moved, it would ruin everything. A text from Joe chimed on his screen. Both curious and somewhat happy, he read it. 

 

**20:47**

 

**joe :)** :  _ any updates on long legs ??  _

  
  


After rolling his eyes, Ben opened up the camera and took a picture of only his eyes and up, showing off his position on Gwilym. The other looked down at him in his lap. 

“Joe?” He asked. 

“Yeah.” Ben responded, adding a message to the photo saying that everything was fine indeed and he didn’t need a list. This question was embarrassing to ask, but he needed to know if Joe had a point after all. “What do you like about me?”   
Gwilym shut the book and thought for a moment. “Well, you’re awfully funny but in a dry sort of way, you’re English like me so you understand my references to English things, you have a bad habit of rolling your eyes at anything that even slightly annoys you, your laugh is really charming along with you in general, and goodness mate, the list is so long that I’m not sure if you’d want to sit here and listen to all of it.”   
_Oh no. He really deserves better,_ Ben thought to himself, faking a bit of a smile. Those were all such genuine things, and what had Ben said about him earlier? _He’s smart and nice and makes good mac’n’cheese._

Instead of telling him the truth and doing the right thing, he shifted upwards and placed a kiss on his jaw. He couldn’t do that to him, not now. It wouldn’t be fair. 

 

“It just wouldn’t be fair!” Ben quietly exclaimed to Lucy as they walked through a library. 

It wasn’t often that the two hung out with just each other, but it appeared that Joe updated her on the situation. Seeing as Lucy was the most reasonable out of anyone that either of them knew, it was smart to have her to talk to. Didn’t mean that Ben wasn’t a little ticked at Joe for setting up a fake hang-out just for him to get advice. 

“Well, of course, it isn’t fair. The entire point of life is to not be fair. Our only choice is to make the right decisions so you don’t make somebody else’s life even more unfair,” she said rolling a pencil around between her long fingers. 

He sighed, laying his head down onto his arms. “I just… I just don’t know what to do. If I break up with him I’m going to feel like the biggest asshole in the world.”   
“Ben, honestly. If you didn’t want to go out with him when he first asked, why did you change your mind?” Scribbling something down on the piece of paper in front of her, Lucy seemed to suddenly get an idea. 

“Joe had asked me if I liked him and I didn’t and I didn’t think he’d believe me unless I were dating somebody else.”   
“So you’re using Gwilym as your shield?”   
“Ye- well don’t say it like that,” Ben said, resting his chin on his wrists as he watched her write. What was that, some sort of quiz she was making? 

“Alright, well why wouldn’t Joe believe you? I’m pretty sure he would if you didn’t like him.” She raised an eyebrow at him, tucking some platinum blond hair behind her ear and flipping the page over to write on the back.  
“He claimed I was getting defensive.”   
“Were you?”   
“A little, yeah.”   
“Why?”   
Ben felt confused. This felt rather interrogative now. “Because… I don’t know! Because I don’t like being accused of false things?”   
Lucy responded by pushing the paper in front of him with a pencil. At the top read: “ ** _Ben’s Guide for Dating_** ”. The first question asked if he were in a relationship he didn’t want to be in. Rolling his eyes and checking yes, he suddenly felt a bit targeted. The next question asked if he liked somebody outside of the relationship, which he unhappily also checked yes. The rest of it went on to ask things such as “ _Do you like spontaneous activities with the person you like?_ ” and “ _Would you ever have a romance with a grocery store worker?_ ”. He knew what this would lead up to if he marked the true answers for these questions. When he got to the last question, he had to stop for a moment. 

“ _Do you make irrational decisions as a means to defend yourself from fear of being hurt?_ ”   
He quickly marked yes and slid it back forward to her. “Can you tell me what you gained from that at all?”   
As she read over her answers, Lucy nodded her head. “Yeah, yeah, of course. I’m just calculating your results.”   
“Oh my god.”   
“Ben, I think I can gladly confirm the answer to Joe’s burning question.”   
Groaning and dropping his head with defeat onto the table, Ben waited a minute to respond. “I know. Don’t say it, ‘cuz I know.”   
“What are you going to do about it?”   
“I… I’ll figure it out.”   


Ben didn’t think “figuring it out” would be the two at their apartment just the slightest bit tipsy, but life finds a way. He had come over for dinner one day and Rami opened a bottle of wine. He was the only one legally allowed to drink, but he didn’t think anything would get out of hand. Besides, it was better in here than at some club. 

Dinner had just been grilled cheeses with cheap chardonnay, which had put Ben in a bit of a giggly mood. He’d never been full-blown pissed, but every time he’s had a few glasses he always got put in such a silly mood. This seemed to be the same for Joe, guessing by how when anything happened the two both lost their minds. Rami wasn’t as bad, but he did join in with their laughs quite often.   
“Okay, too too much,” Rami said taking the bottle away as Ben tried to pour his fifth glass. “Need to slow down.”

Ben was a little disappointed and pouted. “You’re no fun. One more glass won’t hurt!”

“Ramiiiii, come onnnn,” Joe added, crossing his arms. 

“You’re both stupid and it’ll suck tomorrow. And it’s _Sunday evening_. Not the time to go hard drinking,” he replied, getting up from the table. “I’m gonna go put this away. No funny business.”   
The second he left, Ben and Joe both found themselves unable to keep from laughing. “Wait, wait okay, okay come with me,” Joe said, standing up. 

“Okay.” Ben stood up as well, finding himself being pulled over into a room. “What’re we doing?”   
Joe continued pulling him into a small built-in closet. “Hiding. In his own room.” 

They looked at each other seriously for a moment but burst back into giggles. Joe shushed them though and they sat at the bottom of the closet. Ben couldn’t help but finding himself naming Rami’s shoes.   
_Joseph’s a pretty good name for that pair. Maybe Allen for the formal shoes. Definitely Lucy for the sandals. Gwilym fits the boots._

His phone buzzed, pulling him out of his super important thoughts. He looked at the text from Gwilym asking what time he planned on coming home. Ben groaned.   
“I don’t wanna date him anymore. I can’t break his heart though, it’s not cool.” He said leaning his head on Joe’s shoulder. 

“Who  _ do  _ you wanna date?” Joe asked, looking down at Ben. 

“You, stupid.”   
“Oh.” 

It was quiet for a moment as they could hear Rami calling around the apartment for them. Ben thought it was funny, but couldn’t seem to laugh. He looked back up at Joe, holding a lengthy moment of eye contact. 

“Are you going to run away this time?” Joe said softly, slowly leaning down. 

“I don’t think so.” And so Ben let it happen. 

The kiss was gentle, making him realize what he had missed out on. Shifting so he could kiss back more, Ben grabbed ahold of Joe’s upper back for support. He deepened it and added more feeling than he had ever done with Gwilym. It was more than letting it happen. This is what he had wanted to happen. He’d wanted it to happen at the park and at the zoo, at the ice rink and outside of his flat, during the countless shifts they’d worked together and the many times they had hung out afterward. Maybe it was the alcohol in his system, but maybe Ben was just tired of shoving it down. It felt right. It  _ was  _ right. 

But then it hit him that no. No, it was not right at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi hi  
> @ FeathersxFreckles for the dino joke i stole from your comment a few chapters ago  
> anyway i want to just say that i hate cheating. i hate cheating and cheaters and literally hold no respect for it because i have been cheated on on MULTIPLE occasions (hence the end of my last relationship rip) and it's the absolute worst kind of heartbreak. ben knows this and he will be sorting it out next chapter because i wouldn't want him to be that kind of person. that's all i want to say because idk   
> thank you to anyone who leaves kudos and comments bc they literally make my day <3
> 
> (oh and make sure to get enough sleep and stay hydrated. hey, over here, yeah. im talking to you.)


	9. Bracing For Impact With Eyes Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has some difficulty breaking the news to Gwilym.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #FillerChapter again lmao im sorry

_ “Hi, Gwil. I don’t think this is going to work out.”  _ _   
_ _ “Gwilym, I just… I’m sorry.”  _ _   
_ _ “It isn’t you, it’s me.”  _ _   
_ _ “I like somebody else, I can’t lie to you anymore.”  _ _   
_ _ “It’s Joe.”  _ _   
_ _ “It’s Joe.”  _ _   
_ __ “It’s Joe.”

 

After giving himself a long look in the mirror and practicing each possible way to bring it up, Ben realized this was impossible. There was quite literally no way to do this and be the good guy.

“You’re an actor, for Christ’s sake, why can’t you deliver this?” He said out loud, sighing and looking back in the mirror. Instead of seeing himself, he just saw a lying, cheating bastard. 

His phone rang, giving him a good enough excuse to stop worrying. “Hello?”   
“ _Did you do it yet?_ ” Rami asked on the other line. “ _I’ve heard no word from him and that would be surprising from Gwilym._ ”   
“No, I, uh, I haven’t done it,” he responded. “I’m not sure how to, really.”   
“ _Dude, just tell him the truth. It’s better that you do it now than in a month. You can’t put it off forever_.”

It wasn’t helpful that he was being rushed now. There was no way he could do this. There was just no way. 

“ _ Look, just do it now and come over when it’s over. It’ll be awkward, but there’s no point in being in a relationship if you have no feelings towards him. I’ll see you later. _ ” 

Rami hung up, leaving Ben little to no choice. If he didn’t do  _ something  _ his friend would probably lecture him for the rest of his life. He had to do something. 

Walking out into the living room felt like being next in line to get shot. Gwilym was studying, _hard_. Finals were coming up, so of course, he would be. Ben should have been too, but there were other things on his mind at the moment. As he stood behind the couch, he felt his throat close up a little. It was suddenly hard to swallow and a lead weight began to grow in his stomach. Jesus, did his heart really need to pound like this?   
“Hey, Gwil?” he tapped on his shoulder. “I need to tell you something.” 

Instead of turning around, Gwilym just leaned his head back to look at Ben upside down. “What’s up?”   
_Shit. Oh my god, I can’t do it._

“Uh… I’m gonna go see Rami for a little bit,” he finally got out. It wasn’t what he wanted to say, but at least it was something. 

“Oh.” Gwilym was a little surprised by the simple statement. “I mean, alright. Have fun.” 

“Yeah, I’ll, um, I’ll see you later.” He left frustrated, cursing himself out in his brain. 

_ IDIOT! You had the chance and you DIDN’T! Colossal dumbass!  _

_ You can’t do this forever. He needs to know. He deserves to know.  _

After arriving at their door, he took a deep breath in before ringing the bell. It didn’t take long for Rami to open the door, curiosity covering his face. 

“How’d it go?”   
“I didn’t tell him.”   
The slap came as a shock. Ben took a second to recover and come back to his senses before he looked up. His cheek stung a little, but he could take it. 

“Sorry,” Rami said feeling a tad bit guilty for it. 

“No, no I definitely deserved that one.” He responded, rubbing the area that had gone a bit pink. 

He was welcomed inside to a pretty quiet apartment. Joe had a class and a shift today, so he’d be out of the house all day. In all honesty, it was probably a good thing that he wasn’t there. No one knew about what had happened Sunday and they wanted to keep it that way for a while. It would be an awkward mess to discuss it if he was there as well. 

“Rami, I just don’t know what to do. I was going to tell him, but got so nervous that I couldn’t possibly bring it up. I don’t even know what to say!” He threw his hands up in the air. 

“You just need to tell him that you’d be better off as friends. Or that you don’t like him like that after all. It’s not that big of a deal. He’ll be sad, but it could be worse.” 

_ You don’t understand you don’t understand you don’t understand you don’t understand.  _

Ben had spent several nights debating over whether to include what had happened in the closet or not. If he added it in, it would hurt worse. Yet if he excluded it, Ben would feel horrible about it for the rest of his days.

 

_ Laying on the floor of the closet, Ben had found himself a bit pinned. It was a good kind of pinned, however. He knew it was wrong as he totally made out with Joe, but he couldn’t stop. Briefly, he wondered if this was what doing crack was like. Everything was good. Everything was nice. This was what it should have been like with Gwilym. No- this is what he should have instead of Gwilym. Fuck, no, that sounded so mean.  _

 

“Okay, okay. I’ll go back home and walk up to him and say, ‘ _ Gwilym, I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t think I feel about you the same way you feel about me and it’s not fair to you. I think we’d be better friends than boyfriends. _ ’” Ben was laid down on the couch, pitching ideas to his friend. 

“That’s not bad. Will you actually tell him though? You won’t choke again?”   
“No, I absolutely will not.”   
  


Half-an-hour later, Ben returned to the living room of his own flat. Gwilym was sitting in a way where he hung upside down off of the couch. He was quite obviously stressed and taking a moment to think. Alright. Ben could do this. He just needed to have his opening, middle points, and his closing. He’s sorry, he doesn’t feel the same, he’s a cheater, and they should be friends. He’s sorry, he doesn’t feel the same, he’s a cheater, and they should be friends. He’s sorry, he’s a liar, and he’s a cheater. He’s a cheater.  _ Shit.  _

“H-hey, Gwil!” Ben said in a weirdly cheery voice, internally screaming for how he decided to start this. 

“Welcome back,” Gwilym mumbled, rubbing his eyes.   
“Hey, um, can I tell you something?”   
“Of course.”   
This was the moment of truth. This was the right time. He had to do it. 

“You’ll do great on the exam!” Ben exclaimed with a grin and a double-thumbs-up.  
_WHAT ARE YOU DOING???_

A smile was brought to Gwilym’s face as he sat up a little. “Thanks. That works as some sort of motivation to keep studying.”   
“It’s no problem.” 

Keeping the fake smile on his face until he was out of the room, Ben immediately face-palmed. He was officially an idiot wuss. He couldn’t keep doing this. He had to man up and get it over with. Instead of marching back into the living room and announcing that he was breaking up with him, Ben just collapsed onto his bed and groaned loudly into a pillow. 

 

_ Joe’s grip on his hips was arousing, really. Not that he would admit it, but it made him, er, quite happy. Rami was still looking for the two, so they stayed pretty quiet in the closet. It was kind of funny when he thought about it. Of course, this was where everything had to happen. He had to bite his lip to avoid slipping out any sounds as the other moved down to begin work on his neck.  _

_ “D-don’t leave any marks,” Ben could only think to say, voice hitching a little bit as he got to discover how much he liked what Joe was doing.   _

_ “Mm,” was Joe’s only audible response. He did go a bit more gentle though, aware of the consequences of any trail left no matter how badly he wanted to leave a hickey.  _

_ Ben had never let somebody else have control like this over him, but weirdly really liked it. This felt so much better than doing the active work he was used to. Being kissed had never felt so good.  _

 

He wasn’t actively trying to think about it. Part of him wanted the memory out of his head for now and the other wanted to cherish it at every waking moment. Ben wanted it again. He wanted  _ more _ . The only problem was… sitting in the living room. 

Ben sort of felt bad for thinking of him as The Problem. In retrospect, he sort of was but at the same time, it had been his own bad decisions that got him there. There was an obvious solution to part of this. He had tried twice and been lectured about it multiple times. Heck, he even got a slap to the cheek to remind him of what to do. It was leading Gwilym on. It wasn’t fair to Gwilym. It was leading Gwilym on. It wasn’t fair to Gwilym. 

Out of nowhere, his phone chimed. 

 

**16:23**

 

**joe :)** : _i literally cant stop thinking about you_

 

**joe :)** : _not in a creepy stalkerish way, just about you shoving your tongue down my throat like some_ _ weird n raw eel_

 

_wow. arent you in class rn?_ :  **ben**

 

**joe :)** : _duh. did my eloquence turn you on_

 

_im calling the police_ :  **ben**

  
  


It made him smile a bit as he turned off his phone and rolled around on the bed to lay on his back. He really needed to fix this, didn’t he? 

 

_ Footsteps close to the room made the two pause. Quickly and quietly, the two separate and sat normally against the wall. It wasn’t bad. Rami wouldn’t know. Their slightly ruffled appearances could have just been from tipsy rough-housing.  _

_The closet door slid open. “Jesus, I don’t even want an explanation at this point,” Rami said tiredly. Motioning for the two to get out, Ben suddenly realized something rather funny._ _  
__He was coming out of the closet._

_ Not being able to help it, he broke down into giggles. Joe didn’t know what he was laughing at, but joined in. The sight of the two in such a bubbly mood made Rami unable to hide a smile, shaking his head at their silliness.  _

_“I hate you guys.”_ _  
__“Llloove you too, buddy.”_ __  
  


Ben slowly walked into the living room, sitting down in their chair that didn’t match the couch. Tracing patterned lines of orange, he spent a moment actually formulating what he would say. Gwilym noticed him and looked up to see him looking rather focused with a hint of worry. 

“You okay?” He asked, watching his eyes wander around every part of the room except for him. 

Inhaling slowly, Ben brought his hands to his lap. Sitting up a little straighter. “I… I need to tell you something. For real this time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo  
> so first of all I just wanna say *pulls out megaphone* ben is a bottom! stop denying the truth!   
> anyway so track season just started and im a mf jock so if updates slow it's because im preoccupied with the best sport ever (let's go 4x400 relay!!!)   
> also i just wanted to say i was thinking of making a spotify playlist for this fic for myself but if you want it i can send you a link or smthn idk  
> big thank you to everyone who leaves me kudos and comments! makes my day, love y'all <3
> 
> (and howdy pardners. remember to get enough sleep and stay hydrated. gotta be ready for the rodeo and yes, im talking to you buddy)


	10. Ugly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im updating twice in a day because it fits and im trynna get this in before i go to bed

The pen dropped out of Gwilym’s hand. “You what?” His expression begged for Ben to be playing some cruel joke on him. 

“I,” his lip trembled, threatening to give up on him, “I kissed somebody else.” It came out barely above a whisper. He was afraid to raise his voice anymore. It felt dirty to say and even dirtier to have done. “And- and I’m sorry. I didn’t think- I didn’t think and it just happened and… and I wasn’t sure how to tell you because I liked it. I liked it a lot, Gwil.”   
The other had shifted his hands to hold his face for a moment, rubbing his temples. Taking off his glasses, Gwilym turned to face Ben. No matter where he looked, Gwilym continued to stare, filling him up with regret and all sorts of dread. 

“Why didn’t you just say no? Jesus Christ, why didn’t you just tell me no? What the hell is the point of a relationship if you  _ know  _ you don’t like the other person?” He said, voice serious and shaky from shock. 

Ben tried to swallow, but it felt like his throat had been lined with barbed wire. “I don’t know. I thought I might’ve liked you-”   
“Did you really? Or were you avoiding something else?”   
Head snapping up, his brain began to trainwreck. No. NO. He didn’t know. There was no way he knew. 

“How did you know that?” He asked frantically, physically able to see the pain add up in Gwilym’s eyes. 

“Who is it? Is it a girl?” Gwilym responded, avoiding Ben’s. 

He shook his head. 

“Well, who is it?”   
_God, why? Stop. Stop it. Just STOP!_ He thought to himself as his vision started to blur. 

“I can’t tell you,” Ben mumbled. He wasn’t sure why he was the one about to cry. When glancing up to see Gwilym standing up with his hands over his head, he could see tears forming as well. 

“Why not?” He nearly yelled, making Ben cringe. “Why can’t you tell me? Is it someone I know? You cheated on me with one of our friends?”   
“Stop it!” Ben exclaimed back, voice breaking. “Stop! I told you I was sorry!”   
“Jesus Christ, Ben! Sorry doesn’t fix something like this! We only dated for like two weeks and you cheated! Not only did it break my trust, it ruined the respect I had for you as a person. This isn’t just something you can use a ‘sorry’ for like a bandaid!” Gwilym had to take a moment to wipe away the tears in his eyes. 

Ben shut his eyes tight, feeling warm streams going down his cheeks. This is why he didn’t want to do it. He knew it would go wrong. God, he knew it. He knew it he knew it he knew it he knew it. 

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” He managed to get out after a moment. 

“What I wanted was for you to not cheat on me! All I wanted was a date! I would have been fine if you said no after that!”   
It got quiet as Gwilym sat back down on the couch, holding his face again. Ben stayed in the same position as he had this entire time, nose stuffed up as he tried to prohibit any more crying. His efforts were for naught, however, as he struggled to breathe normally and keep his eyes dry. It was an ugly cry, his eyes getting red and his face blotchy. He felt awful. He felt awful about everything that was happening and how Gwilym was reacting. He felt awful for himself and for how he’d been such a wanker. 

“Please…” Gwilym said softly. “Please just tell me who it was.” 

Suffocating on his own guilt, Ben wasn’t even sure if he could speak audibly. “...Joe…”   
Trying to wipe more tears on the sleeves of his hoodie just soaked the fabric. No matter what he did, they just kept falling. 

“I’m an idiot for not knowing that,” he muttered and got up. Ben watched him put on a jacket, confused. “Jesus, I’m such an idiot.”   
“Where are you going?”   
“On a walk. I need to clear my head.”   
“Bye-” He was cut off by the slamming of the door. Without the presence of another person, Ben continued to cry.  

At first, he thought it might never end. His phone rang several times, but he just ignored it. Even if he did pick up, his voice was such a mess. Eventually, he walked to the bathroom to see the damage. Just as he felt awful, he also looked awful. Everything was red and puffy and wet and sad. He ended up falling asleep on top of his bed covers, purely exhausted from crying. Life was falling apart as he knew it, and there was nothing to be done about it. 

Not yet.    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and so we'll get back to that later. until then, welcome to the worst part of the storm.  
> i have a problem where in any sort of confrontation i just cant stop crying and it's so bad so i kind of added that here. idk   
> (take care of yourselves, loves <3)


	11. Benefits of a Special Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peace is made as Ben discovers that he wants more in a friendship than the usual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://open.spotify.com/user/bkvtosmi2cxbbks9tmjlk9mm6/playlist/5yJ7Hm2EzNlFPbqzJypsBG?si=FghojRi-Ra6Id4HxYsFjZA
> 
> guys look im cool   
> (im not but you should def check out bc i have a great taste in music)

Life had been suspiciously hushed since yesterday. Gwilym had certainly come home at some point when Ben was asleep, there were signs of life in the flat. Ben woke up at the sound of his alarm on his phone reminding him to go to work in an hour. He didn’t really want to. He felt drained and gross and so miserable. It wasn’t worth it to use a sick day, though. Getting up to shower made him notice he was still wearing the same thing from the previous day. 

The hot water felt so good on his skin. It helped wash away yesterday’s mishappenings that had left him a complete mess. Ben would have stayed in for longer, but didn’t want to chance being late. The rest of the morning was still so unbelievably tired as he pulled on his uniform and ate a small breakfast. Perhaps Gwilym was just asleep?   
Before leaving, Ben left a note saying where he was and that he was once again sorry. He’d never left a note before. Gwilym knew his work and school schedule, so it was kind of pointless. Yet, he felt reassured by leaving one. Maybe so that he’d know he didn’t just leave. Sometimes you forget the simple things when something goes wrong. 

It was cold outside. It had been consistently cold outside for the past two months, but today Ben felt cold in a different way. Being sad was another kind of cold. He could feel this in his bones. Everything about him felt guilt-ridden. At least he had told him. At least Gwilym knew now. There were no more secrets between them. That was good, right?

 

About twenty minutes into Ben’s work day, he noticed a man in a baseball hat and shades come it. The man was looking the gum section up and down without getting anything for a weirdly long amount of time. Ben walked over, also pretending to be busy so the cashier wouldn’t get on his back for slacking off. 

“Are you trying to disguise yourself?” He asked, rearranging candies on the shelf.   
“Well, I needed to talk to you. I didn’t want anyone to we know to see me, though.”   
“You realize that your nose makes you recognizable from a mile away, right?”   
Joe took off his shades and gave Ben a look. “I feel like that’s an insult to my nose.”   
“Of course, it isn’t. I love your nose. It’s just very distinguishable,” Ben leaned against the shelves and crossed his arm. 

“Mhm, sure. Anyway, um, the group chat got an interesting message from Gwilym last night. Do you know what it was about?”   
_They have a group chat? And I’m not in it?_ Ben was inwardly a little hurt, but the question wasn’t important enough to ask at this moment. “I, uh, yeah.”   
“Oh, great. He didn’t state names but literally everyone knows it was me. I think Rami might kick my ass, which is a little fair, I guess. But no matter, I don’t think I can do anything with you anymore.” He shrugged. Ben could hardly believe what he had just said. They weren’t even in a relationship but it felt like he’d just been broken up with. 

“What? What do you mean?” Ben asked a little desperately. Was this karma’s revenge for being a dick to Gwilym?   
“It means we have to just be friends. But you know, special friends exist too.” Joe winked and grabbed a pack of gum. He walked to the counter, buying it and greeting the cashier seeing as they already knew each other. After making the purchase, he turned around and tossed the pack to Ben. “Think about it, ‘k?” 

He stood there like a fool holding that pack of wintergreen gum in his hands. Watching him leave, Ben tried to understand. Then it hit him like a train. 

_ Oh. Special friends.  _

 

It was a bit of a curse that he had no classes on Thursdays. Oh, how he wished for a reason to not go home at lunch. Ben wasn’t good at improvising plans. He wasn’t about to ask Joe to lunch, nor would he for any of his friends. It sounded like right now that kind of hangout wouldn’t end well. Maybe it was for the best to go home. Maybe Gwilym wouldn’t be there, or maybe they would just avoid each other. Goodness, he just wanted to shut himself in his room at this point. Leaving and seeing people was overrated anyway. 

The moment he got back to the flat, Ben considered quietly sneaking back to his room. He could leave no evidence he was here, right? Looking over, he could see Gwilym in the kitchen microwaving something. Like a deer in the headlights, Ben froze. Gwilym looked over and did a small double-take, looking away after. The two seconds of eye-contact was enough. Ben began to rush back to the safety of his room when the words stopped him. 

“Er, I was making lunch, if you wanted to split it. I kind of wanted to talk to you, anyway.” Gwilym said, not looking back at him and instead looking ahead at the microwave.

“Sure. Let me- let me just change out of this.” He responded, quickly heading to behind closed doors. 

_ Fuck. FUCK.  _ He couldn’t handle another confrontation. It was twelve-thirty, he didn’t want to end up another crying mess. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know how else to deal with that panic! It was like the shittiest method to deal with fear ever.  _ Oh somebody’s yelling at me? What if I just CRY?  _

His heart was pounding quite a bit. Was Gwilym still angry? He totally deserved to be, Ben just didn’t want to get hit with another wave. After throwing on new clothes and coming out, he could see Gwilym trying his best to put the microwave-meal lasagna onto two plates. Upon him looking up, he hurried to finish and brought both plates to their small table. Awkwardly, Ben sat down and brought a forkful of lasagna to his mouth. It seemed that the two made a discovery at the same time. 

“Oh. It’s still frozen,” Gwilym said after swallowing. “Maybe we should get a new microwave.”   
“Yeah.”   
It got quiet for a moment before they spoke at the same time. 

“So are you-”   
“I’m sorry, I just-”   
They stopped, both giving a small laugh. 

“Sorry. You can go,” Ben dragged the fork across his plate, but stopped when it immediately made a horrible sound against the plastic. 

“I… I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I lost my head and shouldn’t’ve made you cry. I’m not okay with what you did, but I can promise that I’m trying to forgive you enough to not make living with you feel weird.” Everything took a little bit of time for Ben to process all that he was saying. 

He took a moment to put together words. “No it’s- it’s fine. You’re fine. You reacted the way anyone would. That wasn’t your fault. I’m the one who shouldn’t have been going around kissing people behind your back. I understand that you can’t forgive me-”   
“I literally just said I was.”   
“Shut up. I’m being genuine here. Anyway, I get it. I get that it wasn’t good and nothing will be perfect for a while. I hope you can find someone better than me. Someone who likes you a lot and won’t go behind your back.” Ben held out his hand across the table. “Can we truce? Like, not have an awkward life? I want to be friends with you again.”   
Gwilym took his hand. “Not sure if things will ever be fully normal again for me, but yeah. I’m willing to truce.”   
And so they shook on it. This would work. This was progress. 

 

Joe received a call a few days later, asking more about this “special friends” deal. Ben liked what happened in the closet a lot. He craved more of it. So the two planned for Monday evening when Rami was flying out to see his family for Christmas break. Ben was leaving a few days after, so they took advantage of this free time. 

As they kissed with a fierce passion and a hand found its way to his ass, Ben pulled away. “Why do we have to be just friends?” 

“Because it isn’t fair to leave him and instantly start banging me.”   
“Who said we were banging?”   
“I’m pretty sure on the phone you stated that you specifically wanted that.” 

“Can’t argue with that logic.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ofc it's a little unrealistic that ben and gwil are willing to forgive and forget that fast, but it's a goddamn fic not reality. i originally made this fic with the intent of it being funny and light-hearted, so i'd rather get over with the drama and back to my original plan  
> so the end isn't coming terribly soon, but it's almost in sight. justsayin  
> also hi reminder that i will not be writing smut bc it isnt my style and i dont like writing it about real people lmao  
> thank you so much for all the comments and kudos <3
> 
> (remember to get enought sleep and stay hydrated!!! i cannot stress enough how important this is!!! and yes i see you reading this!!! im talking to you buddy!!!)


	12. im gonna delete this in a few days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this isnt a chapter i just need to tell you guys something

hi! so i was gonna start this off my introducing myself, but i hate formalities so fuck that. anyway, im rlly sorry that im not gonna be able to update soon. im not in the best place rn and i have a LOT going on with sports, school, social life, and myself and a bit of writer's block just hit me, so updates are going to be SLOW until things clear up a little bit.  
so sorry for all of that, im not rlly trynna never finish this. i seriously want to, im just running out of time for literally everything and writing cant be in my top priorities if im trynna juggle the rest of my life stuff right now  
anyways, thank you big time for being patient with my annoying ways.   
i will now spend the next few lines desperatley trying to entertain you because you had to put up with this bs chapter

1.) i have a dumb soccer mom name and you guys will totally all flame me if i reveal it (it's susan LMAOOOO ew i legiterally hate myself) 

2.) i have a secret 25 page (and it's only about halfway done) kink fic that i've been writing since december and i will never post it but it's lowkey the best goddamn thing ive ever written

3.) i only speak through movie references and it's totally annoying, i have no idea why my friends put up with me (especially animated movies)

4.) i know a super funny joke with the silliest punchline ever but it takes like 5-10 minutes to tell depending on how much i want to annoy my crowd

5.) i have the danny phantom theme song memorized and it's super fire

6.) my favourite dinosaur is ceratosaurus and i used to have a foam model of it when i was a small kid that i carried around everywhere 

7.) i write in comic sans. yes. on google docs, i only write in comic sans bc it helps my ideas flow better and i have no idea why but it does and it's hilarious (meaning i have a 25 page kink fic written in COMIC SANS)

8.) sorry for wasting your time im kind of out of it right now and i know im not going to be uploading soon so i felt the need to explain myself 

i hope you all are having a wonderful day!! PlEaSe get enough sleep and stay hydrated. also eat right bc taking care of yourself is SO important


	13. Imperative Self-Reflection: The Side Effects of Visiting Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben struggles with updating old friends on his life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. guess who's not dead  
> im gonna delete my past chapter after a day or two of this one being up so it's obvious that i ACTUALLY updated  
> #FillerChapter btw this one kinda sucks tho

The winter break ended up being much more needed than Ben originally anticipated. Sleeping in his old bed, seeing his family, and school not being his top priority felt so nice. Of course, the five-hour difference had found itself to be quite aggravating. Often times, Ben would find himself just staying up later than he normally would just to call Joe. These midnight calls were never promiscuous, he swore. They were instead just very random and improvised. Sometimes they talked about the holiday season and family, other times it would be movie recommendations from Joe (high on his list was  _ Jaws _ , even though Ben had already seen the movie. Joe’s enthusiasm, however, made it sound super important to watch at this very moment), or anything else that came along that path. 

“ _ Do you believe in ghosts? _ ” Joe once asked, stirring Ben from his nearly-asleep state. 

“Hm? Not really,” he responded. 

“ _ What? TELL me you’re joking! _ ” 

“It all just seems a bit silly to me.” Yawning, Ben closed his eyes a little. It was around two in the morning. When not being forced to stay up working, he liked going to bed before the midnight hour. 

The other line was quiet for a moment. “ _You sound tired. Want me to hang up?_ ”  
“No, no, don’t hang up yet. I’m not tired.”   
“Mhm, sure.”   
“Yes, sure.”   
Ben ended up dozing off not even five minutes later. 

 

New Year’s parties had never been stressful before. Finding himself in between the social spectrum of absolute party animals and the quiet people who stayed home didn’t always help. Sometimes he was leaning more towards one side than the other, but now he was leaning more towards the antisocial side. It wasn’t as though Ben didn’t like his friends. He adored all of his old mates and being invited to their party was nice. When he’d been bombarded with questions and people acting like he was this new man, everything got to be too much. 

“Benny!” Someone threw their arm around his shoulders. “So how’s life in the states? Is the American Dream treating you well?”   
He was rather tired of being asked this. “It’s alright. Pretty different from here, I guess.”   
“What’re American girls like? You gettin’ any?”   
“I, uh-”   
Another friend turned around upon hearing the questions. “You still doing sports? Did you get a scholarship for sports or somthin’?”   
“No,” Ben gave a fake laugh, “not really a sports guy anymore. Will you excuse me?” 

Making his way outside, he saw a girl leaning against the outside of the house. He made awkward eye contact with her for a moment before turning and pretending to look at something on his phone. Something about being inside with everyone wasn’t making him feel too hot. The girl inhaled on her juul, blowing a ghost before turning to look more at him. 

“Want a hit?”   
Although not really knowing her, he nodded. She was recognizable from somewhere, maybe from his graduating class. Ben was pretty sure her name might be Penny. Taking the juul, he sucked on and took a moment to hold the vapour in his mouth before exhaling. Yes, he’d told Joe he quit smoking. This didn’t _exactly_ count, right? Besides, just a bit of nicotine wouldn’t kill him. 

_ Crème brûlée,  _ he thought to himself before handing it back. Penny (or was it Penelope?) took it with a smile. 

“You’re the kid living in America for school, right? There’s been a whole lot of talk about you tonight,” she remarked, making him inwardly groan. 

“Yeah, that’s me. Dunno why everyone is so interested, though. I don’t have much to talk about.” He did. 

“What, you don’t have any special Americans to brag about?”   
He did. 

“I mean yeah, I would. Just not particularly feeling like sharing.” He did. There was just a small problem with it. These people had known him his entire life. If he pulled out something drastically new like this, they’d flip their shit. 

Penny/Penelope and Ben passed it back-and-forth for a small while in quietness. When checking the time, he noticed there was only about half an hour until midnight. He definitely wanted to make a call when it hit the new year. Perhaps he would come outside again. 

“Is she cute?”   
“Who?”   
“Your special American.”   
He stared blankly at her, not what to say. “I, uh, I’m- uh-”   
“Oh, do you shag blokes?” She didn’t look terribly moved, but Ben subconsciously went full deer-in-headlights and could no longer remember how to speak. 

“Man, it’s a sure shame that all the cute ones are gay.” With that, Penny/Penelope returned inside and left him alone. 

Pulling the edges of his jacket tighter, Ben half-sat against a trash bin to think. 

_ Why didn’t I say anything? I easily could have just lied.  _

_ No. Why should I have lied? I shouldn’t feel ashamed.  _

_What if she tells anyone?_ _  
__I’ll deny it._

 _Why deny it?_ _  
__I have to deny it. They can’t know. I don’t even know if I’m fully gay._

_ Am I not? I mean, I know I like Joe.  _

_ But I’ve never felt that way about guys before. It’s only been him.  _

_ Him.  _

The reminding thought of wanting to call Joe pulled him from the troubling thoughts. First, he needed a drink, however. His throat slightly stung from the juuling and figured he would have to cough more with a dry throat. 

So Ben went inside, trying to avoid more small talk and just grab a water to go. Seeing P/P talking to someone made him nervous. Was it about him? Would she do that? God, hopefully not. Rushing back out, Ben sat on a folding chair and watched some people set up fireworks. Somehow, there was already only five minutes to go. Calling up Joe, Ben took a sip of water.

After the fifth ring, he picked up. “ _ Hi! What’s up?”  _

“Just getting close to midnight. I’m not feeling the party tonight, though.”   
“ _Hm. Same, except I’m not really at a party. I’m hanging out with the gang later tonight, though. That’ll be fun._ ”   
Ben sighed, thinking about everyone. How was it that he felt more homesick for them than when he wasn’t here? “Is everyone going to be there?”   
“ _Yeah, you’re the only nerd that hasn’t returned from travelling yet._ ”   
“I’m coming back in two days. That isn’t too bad.”   
“ _For you, maybe. Not for me. Because of that, I’m dubbing you as ‘Nerd’._ ” 

“What if we watched _Jaws_ when I get back? Would I still be a nerd?”   
“ _Most definitely. But a much cooler nerd, for sure._ ” 

“Great.” 

Neither of them spoke for a moment. 

“ _ How close is it to midnight? _ ” Joe asked after a few seconds. 

Ben looked inside to see a bunch of people crowding around a countdown on a television. “About forty-five seconds.” 

“ _ Are you gonna make out with your phone when the clock strikes twelve? _ ” 

“I’ll just save it for when I’m home.” 

“ _ Yeah, you better. _ ” 

People inside started cheering and a firework was set off. He watched the colours explode in the sky, managing to feel both a bit melancholy and glad at the same time. 

“Happy new year, Joe.”   
“ _I’ll call you back in five hours and say the same for you._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben took a FAT rip on the vape guys what a cool dude oMg (sorry)   
> anyway hi so yeah this chapter isnt the best thing ever, but i just tried my best to update cuz i hate not being able to   
> i kind of have a story idea (ive had it for a few years but never wanted to implement original characters so i want to make it a fanfic) and rami would be my mc, but it's pretty angsty and sad and whatever. im gonna consider posting that when i finish this one cuz multiple projects at once is literally awful for me lol   
> SO YEAH im gonna try my best to pull myself outta this writer's block. that's my goal. i dont have a ton of free time, but you can do a lot with flowing creativity even when there's little time  
> big big thank you to everyone who leaves comments and kudos. love yall <3 ( and thank you for the lovely support comments on my notice^^ but sorry, i cant drop the kink fic. at least not on THIS account ) 
> 
> (Heyyy remember to get enough sleep and stay hydrated. and yeah, im talkin to you, buster)


	14. Hiding in Plain Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where we meet a new character and Ben pretends to know the neighbours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some pure content for a change  
> i hope you guys like the new addition akdsbfjhds

Ben’s first day back at work was chaotic. Not exactly in the sense that the work was hard, but everything was going wrong. A celebratory fact was that he was recently promoted out of the storage room and as a normal cashier (the other one on his days had resigned, bless her heart), but getting used to it felt almost bizarre. He had attempted a number of ways to work with customers in this one morning and each felt erroneous coming from him. 

When greeting someone with a dinosaur joke he’d heard from Joe, the customer instead gave him a weird look and reacted as though he were a Martian or something. When not saying much at all, there was just an incredibly awkward silence. Talking a lot didn’t do much either. Right now, his medium ground was just minimal talking. Did he not have the charm to make customers happy? He should, he was an actor. Man, could he really not pull anything off? His life felt like a failure. 

To make matters worse, it was absolutely pouring outside. He didn’t hardly have any cash on him right now for a taxi and his jacket was a bit thin. Keeping his head down and walking quickly down the sidewalk, Ben briefly wondered if there was even food back home. Once crossing the street, he noticed something: a little cardboard box sitting outside of a shop. This was quite curious. Who would leave a box out in the rain? Was there something valuable inside? He took the time to look in, eyes immediately widening a bit. 

Inside the box sat a little shivering puppy. 

“Oh my god,” he said out loud, squatting down to look more at it.   
Not many people seemed fazed by this and he could hardly believe it. A small beagle that couldn’t be more than five or six weeks old, just out here in this weather! How could no one care? 

Its tiny, underfed body had fur plastered against it from the freezing rain. For some reason, this made him want to cry. A note with blurred words read something about this being a “free puppy for whoever wanted it.” Part of him wanted to pick it up right this moment, but he also couldn’t scare the poor thing. Carrying the box might be awkward as well and he needed to warm this guy up.   
Reach his hand down into the box, Ben patiently waited as the puppy reached forward to sniff. When it didn’t bite or seem vicious at all, he moved his hand further to stroke its head. It didn’t seem to mind this at all, pressing its head back up against him. Gently and slowly, he positioned both of his hands around its body, picking it up. It made a few noises of confusion, but when Ben zipped his jacket up around it, keeping it warm against his chest, it calmed down the squirming.   
Holding his arms around this dog in his jacket was an interesting task. People gave him looks at the head sticking out from his collar, but right now he was just focused on getting home. His lease allowed dogs, right?   
_Do I tell Gwilym about this? Is he going to be home? What if he says I have to put it back?_

The walk home couldn’t be longer. Finally arriving at the door, he unlocked it with one hand and rushed in past his roommate, watering a houseplant that wasn’t there before Ben had left. 

“Hey. How was wor-”   
“Great! I need to go work on something, though. Sorry!” Ben sped to his room, closing and locking the door. When somewhat safe, he unzipped his jacket and placed the puppy on the floor. Reaching for a towel that hung on the door, Ben wasn’t exactly sure what his plan was at this point. He wrapped up the puppy, rubbing it to get dry and warm. It stayed quiet, probably too weak and cold to give up much of a fight.

“C’mon, little guy, you’re okay. You’re a good lil’ guy.” Cooing softly at the puppy, he soon realized that this was most of the extent of his knowledge on helping. He pulled up a website on his phone with one hand and kept drying the puppy with the other. “Hydration. Oh shoot, water, right.”   
Setting the dog down on the bed, he an empty bowl that previously held dry cereal and unlocked the room. Ben felt like the flash, going to the kitchen and filling it with water, then hurrying back. Gwilym looked completely and utterly boggled by this peculiar behaviour, but had not time to ask any questions before Ben locked himself back inside of his room. 

He held the bowl up to the puppy, still on his bed, and watched it hesitate before lapping up water. Letting out a sigh of relief, he continued reading the site for advice. Most of it said he needed to go to a vet, but that would be a little difficult to do right at this moment. Ben honestly had no idea where the nearest veterinarian was. 

There was a knock at the door, sending him into a panic. 

“Hey, Ben, you alright?” Gwilym called from the other side. 

“I, uh- yeah! Just peachy! Give me a moment, please!” Placing the puppy on the floor with the bowl and the towel, he watched it try and take a few wobbly steps before opening the door only slightly to walk out and shut it tightly. “So, uh, what’s up?”   
His friend raised an eyebrow. “Just wondering what all of the running around was about.”   
On cue, a small bark sounded off. Ben decided that if there was a god, it hated him. 

“What was that?” Gwilym looked past his head at the door. “Do you have a dog in there?”   
_Oh my god. I can’t do this._ “What? No! I’m- uh, I think the neighbours got a new dog. I saw them walking it earlier. Small poodle, I think.” The lie rolled off of his tongue fast. Perhaps a little too fast. Gwilym still looked suspicious, but didn’t press the subject. 

“Well, okay…”   
“Anyways, I should get back to my stuff.” With a weird and unnecessary smile, Ben slipped back into his room to avoid confrontation. 

He spent the rest of his day working on nursing the puppy back to some sort of health. He looked up a makeshift formula recipe and quietly argued with the dog for a while to get it to drink. A homemade bed sat next to his own, consisting of his only clean towel, a few shirts, and his bed pillow. The only rule Ben had in his mind was not to name it. If he named it, he’d get attached. There was no way he could get attached. 

The next day after arriving at work, he picked out a collar, flea shampoo, and a few cans of wet dog food. Walking over to the counter and checking the items out for himself grabbed the attention of Joe.   
“Did you get a dog?” He asked, leaning his elbow onto his shoulder. 

“No, my neighbours did. I’m just giving their dog a… welcome… gift.”  _ That was quite possibly the dumbest thing to have ever come out of my mouth. And I’ve sucked Joe’s- _

“I thought you and Gwilym didn’t ever talk to the neighbours. What’re their names?” It was almost like Joe was psychic. There was no way he  _ already  _ knew. 

“Um, the uh,” Ben tried to remember the name above theirs, “the Smiths.” 

_ THAT’S A BAND! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? _

“The Smiths? You should definitely let me meet their dog. I’m sure it wouldn’t hide anything from me.”   
Ben turned around and gave him a look. “How do you know?”   
“You’re a pretty shit liar, to be completely honest. You should take a class- wait no that’s basically your entire college program, isn’t it?” His arm travelled from his shoulder to his waist. He rather liked this touch, feeling his fingers lightly drum at his hip. 

The sound of the door opening removed the touch, Joe instead taking place behind the counter and finishing up the totals of Ben’s purchase. Neither of them said anything about it. They both understood. 

On days where Joe manned the register, Ben went back to his first job. Before going to take in deliveries and take inventory, he took the bag of dog items and put it in the worker room. By the time he came out, Joe had finished a punchline and waved goodbye to a customer. 

“So,” he said throwing away a receipt the customer didn’t want, “this dog of yours.”   
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”   
“Did you buy it? Or take it off the streets?”   
“Man, this brand of toothpaste is super great. Have you tried it before?”   
“Does Gwilym know?”   
“Whew, it sure is hot in here. I should probably go mess with the A.C.” 

“Did you _leave it at home_? Who’s watching it? Is it house-trained?”   
The last set of interrogations made Ben stop and actually think. He’d had to clean up a puddle of piss this morning and when Gwilym left, he tried to get it to go outside, but not much happened. The only thing he’d done was close his bedroom door. Was there anything dangerous on the floor? Sure, Ben left water and a bowl of the leftover formula on the ground, but what if that wasn’t enough? 

“Hypothetically, let’s say, what would you do if you took a stray puppy in from a box on the street? It’s all hypothetical, though.” He asked, turning around with the tube of toothpaste still in his hands. 

“No, no, of course, it’s hypothetical. Personally, I think I’d tell my roommate first and foremost. Then we could discuss the next move, like making sure we’d be financially stable enough to support a pet, checking to see if our landlord even allows pets, or taking it to a vet to make sure it’s healthy. You know, just the basic stuff.” Joe counted the reasons on his fingers, making a skeptical expression as he looked up at Ben. “And then surely making sure you can take care of yourself first. Having a pet is a big responsibility, you know.”   
Ben leaned against the counter with a groan. “Oh my god, why are you so smart? If I actually listened to you half the time, I bet I wouldn’t wind up in situations like this.”   
“It’s because I’m a genius. Absolute Jimmy Neutron over here. You haven’t named it, right?” 

He paused. He’d never said it out loud, but there was on in the back of his mind every time he looked down at the little pup. “I was thinking Frankie…” he mumbled. 

Joe sighed. “Damn, you really _are_ screwed. I’d ask to come over and meet this dog, but not quite sure if Gwilym would want me in the house.”   
“I really need to tell him, don’t I? I guess I’ll do it when I get home. We can talk it over, but I might have to resort to begging techniques.” 

“Don’t worry then, you’re quite good at that.”   
“Oi, feck off.” 

 

That evening, Ben discovered that leaving a puppy locked up in his room was a bit of a bad idea. Somehow, this six-week-old baby had managed to rip the sheets off of his bed, left another two puddles along with a lovely little pile on his floor, and spilled both bowls left out. Ben stood there in the doorway of his bedroom, half-surprised and half-impressed that something so small could create such a mess. 

Speak of the devil, the monster bounded over to his shoes, barking in its little pipsqueak voice. He leaned down and greeted him, not bothering to close the door behind them. 

“Hey, baby. You’re going to be a real handful, aren’t you?” he said and gave a scratch behind his ears. 

“I knew you were hiding something!” Gwilym exclaimed from behind, causing Ben to go protective mode and clutch the puppy to his chest. It seemed that his roommate came home mere minutes after he did. 

_ Great. I guess we have to do this now.  _

“OhmygodI’msosorryIjustcouldn’tleavehimoutintherainandIdidn’tknowwhattotellyoubutpleasedon’tmakehimgobacktothestreetsI’mbeggingyou-”   
“Mate, chill out. Just clean up your… mess… and we can talk.”   
“Alright, alright. Geat. That’s uh, that’s great.”   
Ben closed the door, red in the cheeks. Setting the puppy down on the sheetless-bed, he looked it in the eyes. 

“Okay, don’t ruin this for me, Frankie. I have both of our best intentions in mind.” 

It was the first time he’d used the name. Really, it just slipped out, but it ended up feeling very right. He was glad. 

 

Later that evening, Gwilym and Ben talked about the dog for what felt like ten hours. When looking over their lease, they read that pets were allowed, but they had to update their landlord on the situation. Once coming to monetary investments in food, supplies, and vet bills, Ben said that he was willing to pay or all of it, but Gwilym said that it wasn’t fully fair. They’d split necessities at seventy-five - twenty-five. It was the only amount Ben would allow him to pay for, seeing as it was more his own responsibility. It would cut into grocery and house bills, but he was certain it was worth it.  _ Excuse me, sir, but this is my emotional support beagle _ . It became official that Frankie would be part of their family. Ben’s adopted daughter that he currently loved more than life itself. 

That night, Joe understood he finally had competition over the number-one spot in Ben’s heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i miss my dog every day. writing this kind of made me want to cry lmao. loved her so much. she was the best girl in the world :(  
> anyway.  
> frankie !! everyone's favourite lil GIRL*  
> ive been wanting to add her in for a while. i actually originally wrote frankie's introduction in the chapter where joe and ben visit joe's home for lunch. at first, they left work and found the pup in a box, but i wasn't feeling it and it was too early for her. but now we got a good doggo and an entire chapter about it!  
> thank you for comments and kudos y'alllllll <3
> 
> (deadass remember to stay hydrated and get enough sleep. yeah bud, im talking to y o u.)


	15. The Crushing Insecurity That Comes With Uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Ben is so unsure of himself that he doesn't know what to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah pfft it totally hasnt been like 2 weeks since my last upload (im sorry)

_ Warmth _ . That’s what Ben felt as they watched the movie. He and Joe were laying back on the bed, laptop on Joe’s lap playing  _ Jaws _ in the dark bedroom. Frankie was sleeping on Ben’s chest as the movie played softly. He wasn’t really watching. Ben had seen this movie several times before, so he didn’t need to pay attention. Joe was the opposite. He’d obviously watched this movie many times, yet was so invested. Every once in a while, he’d quietly rattle off a fun fact about the actors, special effects, or the director. He was a big fan of Spielberg’s movies, it seemed. 

   Everything was comfortable, everything was nice. He could gladly live like this forever. It was one of those little moments that doesn’t seem as though it would last forever in memories, but it sure felt like it. A picture-perfect moment of everything Ben found as succouring. Not everything was going to be perfect, however. This was obvious in the next thing that came out of Joe’s mouth. 

   “Did you come out to our parents when you went home?” He asked, not really looking over.

   Something in this sentence triggered a bad feeling that he wanted to go away. He didn’t want anything to ruin the vibe. “No. Am I supposed to come out as something?” 

   “Well, no. I was just curious. ‘Was thinking about telling my mom sometime. You don’t have to come out as anything if you don’t want to.” 

   “Why would you tell your mom?” 

   Now he got a bizarre look. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I? I tell her lots of stuff. Would be weird not to.” 

   “I don’t know. I just wasn’t sure if we were a thing to tell people or not. What would you even tell her? Does she think you’re straight?” 

   “Dunno. I’d just ask her if she remembered the guy I brought home for lunch one day and then explain briefly that I was romantically interested in him.” 

   How can he just do that? How can he just explain to people? “And she’d be fine with that?” 

   Joe sat up slightly now and paused the movie, a little confused by how Ben was acting. “Yeah? My mom wouldn’t wig out at that. It’d be the same if I brought home a girl.” 

   “I mean, not really. I’m not a girl. Wouldn’t that change her opinion?” 

   “What’s going on with you? Do you want my mom to be a bad guy or something?” 

   This was going downhill faster than Ben thought it would. “What? No! I just-” he sighed, “I just don’t understand how you can just tell people and be all fine and dandy with it. Does that not scare you at all?” 

   “Of course, it scares me! That’s why I’m not shouting it in the streets with a megaphone! Maybe I just trust my friends and family! I know they’d support me no matter what! What the hell is your excuse?” 

   He paused, just letting all of what Joe said wash over him. The puppy on his chest kicked in her sleep. “I… I don’t know. I’m just afraid of their judgement. I don’t know.” 

   Staring at him for a moment, Joe just shifted back and put the movie back on to play. “Whatever. Let’s just finish this.” 

   As Hooper struggles to keep the monster shark from eating him in the cage, Ben can’t help but notice the new tense aura in the air. 

   So much for being comfortable. 

   “Did you know he actually dies in the book during this scene?” Joe says like everything is normal again. There’s a bit of a flat edge to his voice, however. 

   “Hm, really? Why’d they keep him alive then?” 

   “Dunno. Good character is my guess. Fun guy.” 

   The rest of the movie continued like this. Eventually, he fell asleep to the background noise of shark attacks and Joe humming along with the shark music. Things could get better. 

 

   A few days later, Ben was doing his online core classes. Rami was over hanging with Gwilym, the two having a conversation in the kitchen. He couldn’t focus. It wasn’t their fault, though. He had something else on his mind. 

   “I’ve been considering selling feet pics on twitter or something.” 

   “Please tell me you’re kidding.” 

   “Dude, I really need money right now.”

   “Okay, but feet pics?” 

   “Don’t shame the technique, just appreciate the cash it’ll pull in.” 

   Sitting up from the couch and placing his laptop on their makeshift coffee table, Ben sighed and walked over to the counter. The other two acknowledged him but didn’t say much as he got a bottle of water. 

   “Hey, Gwilym,” he started, turning around and leaning against their fridge, “are you out to your parents?” 

   Both men gave him sort of a blank look, a little surprised by the random question. “I mean, yeah. I have been since year six.” 

   “Year six?” 

   “Yeah, year six.”

   “How did you know?” 

   Gwilym gave a small huff of a laugh. “Are you having a sexuality crisis, mate? What’s going on with you? What do you mean, ‘how did I know’?”

   “Nevermind, it was a stupid question,” he mumbled, embarrassed. “Just forget it.” 

   Rami grabbed his arm, “No, don’t worry. But seriously, is everything alright with you?” He asked, weirdly like he knew more than Ben did. It wasn’t like he was in on any secrets. Everyone in this kitchen understood the entire Joe-scenario. 

   “I just don’t get how people can be out. Or how you even know what you are. I sure don’t know what I am,” he finally admitted. 

   “You don’t have to be out. Just do you.” Gwilym said, trying to give a reassuring look. 

   “Yeah, that’s a bit difficult when _ I  _ don’t know what ‘doing me’ even is anymore.” With that, he walked back to the couch with his water. Part of Ben realized he could have avoided this by not asking in the first place, but it wasn’t like he could go back and change things. 

   The sound of little paws clicking across wooden floors came from the hallway. The two people in the kitchen reacted very positively about the dog, praising her and playing with her in the kitchen. Normally, that kind of thing would warm Ben’s chest and just make him happy, but that didn’t happen now. Everything felt so troubling. He felt curiouser and curiouser about his life every day now, it seemed. 

   Pulling out his phone, he started writing a text to his mom. 

  
  


**_14:36_ **

 

_ hey, mom. i should’ve told you this over break, but i wasn’t sure how. i like a guy. or i sort of have a boyfriend. maybe not even that, but i like him a lot. please dont be disappointed in me. _ :  **Ben**

  
  


   He stared at it for a moment before deleting the entire thing and putting his phone back in his hoodie pocket. Maybe another day. 

 

   Everything felt like it was outside of a bubble. The only person inside was Ben and nobody else was allowed in. There was no real explanation he had for why he suddenly started pushing others away, but there was just this pit in his stomach all the time now. He felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. Why was he falling down this hole? 

   “Hey, you alright?” Joe asked at work Friday, bringing Ben out of his thoughts. 

   “Hm? Yeah, I’m good.” 

   “You’ve just been pretty distant lately.” 

   That was undeniable. He’d been distant from everybody, including Joe. He just wasn’t sure about himself. Ben had never questioned anything about his sexuality before meeting Joe. What did that even mean?  _ Is there a sexuality for that? Joesexuality?  _

   “Sorry, I’ve, er, I’ve just been kind of out of it. Lots of stuff going on up there,” he tapped his temple, inwardly cringing at how he decided to say that. 

   “Is it like the thing we talked about during  _ Jaws _ .” 

   “Yeah.” 

   “Yeah?”

   “Yeah.”

   “Well, you don’t need to worry so much about it. If being out scares you, that’s okay. We don’t need to be.” 

_   We.  _

_    Out.  _

_    Being out scares me. We know.  _

_    Why, though?  _

   “Joe, are you gay?” 

   If Ben had a dollar for every time he changed a train of thought with a new question, he’d have at least four or five dollars. 

   Joe raised his eyebrows, thinking about it for a few seconds. “Don’t think so-” 

_    -What??  _

   “-I definitely like you, but I don’t know what that makes me. I don’t really mind that much, but if it bothers you I can come up with something.” 

   Oh. That makes two of us. 

   “No, no, it’s fine. I just… I just feel unsure about myself. Perhaps I’m just envious of you and Gwilym for feeling confident enough to be out, but I’m not. I’m sorry for pushing you away.” He said, eyeing a few customers walking over. They’d have to wrap this up soon. 

   He got a soft smile. “Don’t worry about it for now. We should definitely talk about this later, though. Makes me sad when you’re worried over stuff. Cool?” 

   “Cool,” Ben responded, not really understanding is this comforted him or not. Yeah, it certainly was important to talk it over, but it made him so nervous. If this erupted into an argument, he’d defenestrate himself. 

_    It’s okay. It’ll be okay. You’re okay. We’re okay.  _

   Letting Joe check people out, Ben walked back to the storeroom to actually work. It was difficult to do so with so much on his mind, but it would be fine. That’s what he’d keep telling himself, anyway.

_  It’d be fine.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! im so sorry for not uploading. past few weeks have been wild. i might even have a relationship soon let's gooo  
> anyway so shoutout to @/xofunghoul for talking to me and giving me inspo bc it def helps  
> things will be okay, crisises exist. ive had them and im sure some of youve had them too. we all get it.   
> anyway don't be afraid to hit me up if you wanna drop either a snap or an insta. im always down to talk n whatever   
> thank you all so much for your kudos, comments, and overall fact that you're reading this^^ 
> 
> (heyyy dude remember to drink enough water, get enough sleep, and eat right. Im talking to you. AND i added a new one on, that's right.)


	16. Impromptu Dancing Without Needing the Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Ben gets to experience some history and good things (for once)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! so im gonna upload this non-filler chapter with real content because im in italy for all of spring break (it's like a twelve or thirteen hour drive yall im-) so i cant upload much else, but i hope you enjoy!!

In that state of being mostly asleep but awake enough to know he’d be fully awake soon, Ben rolled around in his covers to desperately attempt to hold onto the sleep. He had absolutely nothing on the agenda for today; no classes, no work, no nothing. Why not sleep in? Keeping his eyes shut tight, he felt everything relax again.  _ Finally…  _

His phone went off loudly, signalling some psychopath calling him at this early hour. With a quiet groan, he blindly reached around for it on the nightstand. 

“Hello?” He answered, sleepiness croaking in his voice. 

“ _ Hey- wait, did I wake you up? _ ” Joe asked on the other line. 

“Yes, you  _ asshole _ .” 

“ _Buddy, it’s almost twelve-thirty. Go to bed earlier._ ”   
“I went to bed at, like, nine.”   
“ _Holy SHIT! That’s like… that’s, like… that’s, like, sixteen hours of sleep! Jesus CHRIST!_ ”   
Ben sighed, rolling over on the bed and pulling the covers back up to his chin. “Okay, did you call to slander me about my sleep habits or is there another reason for interruption of my peaceful morning?”   
“ _Well_ ,” Joe cleared his throat dramatically, “ _You have formally been invited to accompany Joseph Mazzello III to a museum under the wonderful circumstance of running into free tickets_.” 

“How do you come across free tickets? Did you mug someone at a museum?” He asked, hearing the door creak open. Frankie announced her presence with some little dog noises. 

“ _ I guess they weren’t exactly free. My mom bought them to go out with a friend, but she’s sick so she pawned them off to me. So free for us, then. Anywho, you down? Or should I leave you to be to beat sixteen hours of sleep? _ ” 

Ben reached his free hand out of the bed for Frankie to begin licking before he picked her up with one hand and placed her on the bed. It was a little awkward as she first tried walking over his head and then fell off the pillow, but she continued to explore the duvet. “No, that sounds fun. Just give me time to get ready and-” he wheezed as she walked over his chest without warning, “-and I can meet you at the nearest metro.”   
“ _No worries. I’ll come over to your place._ ”   
“Alright. What museum, by the way?”   
“ _Museum of Natural History, baby! Where else?_ ” 

“Sounds good. See you in thirty?”   
“ _Fantastic. See ya’!”_

Joe hung up, leaving Ben the incentive to finally sit up. Frankie slid down his chest and into his lap, tugging on his shirt and rolling around. With a tired smile, he gave her a small kiss on the head and got out of bed. He stretched for a moment, not really wanting to get dressed, but also knew he couldn’t just waltz around in a museum in pajamas. 

 

Half an hour later, he was ready to go. The past while had been a bit dramatic, to be honest. Ben had to sprint at the bed upon seeing Frankie divebomb off the edge, landing and catching her whilst simultaneously hitting his head on the nightstand. Then he chased the dog around the flat when realizing she had something she shouldn’t have in her mouth. After that mess had been cleared up, he spilled dog food all over the floor and had to clean it up, tripping over the water bowl and making the disaster larger. 

“Oh my god, why me?” he cursed himself quietly under his breath and got the gross, wet disorder. 

Just as everything was fine again (he hoped) he got a text saying Joe was outside. Ben sprawled out a note saying where he was going for Gwilym and said goodbye to Frankie, jogging outside of the apartment. Leaning against the lampost outside was just who he figured, looking down at his phone. The sound of footsteps make his head lift though, a smile coming onto his face. 

“Ready to go?”    
“Yup.”    
“Your pants are covered in water.”    
“Yup.” 

“Cool! It’s a look on you.” 

The two began walking down the sidewalk, Ben offering him the right AirPod from his case. It made Joe give a huff of a laugh, but the joke in his head didn’t escape his mouth. The two listened to his music as they made their way to the subway. Somehow, they got onto the topic of space travel. 

“I’d love to join a space voyage. Not to use this word unironically, but it’d be epic.” Joe said as they changed stations. 

“Really? How come?” Ben responded, pulling out a stick of gum. It had been months since he last  _ really  _ smoked (he wasn’t counting the juul at the new year’s party), but sometimes he still itched for one. 

Joe watched him take the piece, obviously blanking out for a moment before coming back to reality. “Have you even watched  _ Star Trek _ ? It just sounds cool as hell, y’know?” 

“I get that, I guess,” he shrugged, “it would be pretty damn cool. I think I’d come to miss Earth after a while, though. It’s a pretty shite place, but it is home.” 

“Okay, but what if you found a planet inhabited by living toast?”   
“ _Toast_?”   
“Yeah, toast.”   
Ben laughed. “That’s so dumb, but in that case, I’d become a wanted criminal for eating everyone.” 

“Good answer.” 

“Thanks, I spent approximately two seconds coming up with it.”

 

The rest of their commute was fun. They rated kinds of pizza, decided which way to cook eggs was the sexiest (fried, if you were wondering), and had many other food-related conversations. It was quite easy to guess that both of them were rather hungry. 

“Who out of our friends would taste the best, do you think?” Ben asked as they walked up the steps of the museum. They took out the AirPods and put them back in the case going into the building. 

“Resorting to cannibalism, are we? Definitely Allen, though. For sure.” Joe said, not even hesitating. 

“Jesus, you took no time to even think about that. Have you thought about this before? Should I be concerned?” 

“He just gives me an ‘I’d be nice enough to let everyone else eat me and I’d taste good too’ kind of vibe, ya’ dig?” 

Ben now felt a little dumb. “I was just thinking Rami because his name rhymes with ‘salami’.”   
The statement wasn’t _that_ funny, but Joe snorted and then laughed like he’d heard the funniest joke in the world. It most definitely boosted Ben’s ego by eight-hundred percent. 

“Whew,” he said, wiping away a fake tear, “I’m not sure why that made me lose it, but it did. Rami should open a sandwich shop called ‘Rami’s Salami’. Wait no-” Both of them began to lose it then, as they showed someone their tickets and were able to enter the museum. 

 

Joe, having previous knowledge about the museum, gave Ben a tour. They saw most of the mammal halls, human history, and then finally he led them to the dinosaurs. It was as though he saved best for last with these ones.   
Everything had calmed down now. There’s a specific quiet and peaceful aesthetic that came with museums, but Ben wasn’t sure how to explain it. The two hadn’t talked much upon entering these halls, especially since Joe was genuinely really interested in the exhibits. Ben was too, but he was more focused on the person he was touring them with. 

They got to the room holding the Titanosaur. Just standing there for a while, Ben’s eyes followed the massive skeleton from head to tail. 

“Wow,” he said, “that’s pretty massive.”   
Joe nodded. “Pretty big dude.” 

“Please make a dinosaur joke.”   
There was a small pause. “What do you call a slutty dinosaur?”   
“Uhhhh, what?”   
“A dino-whore.” It was quiet for a moment again. “Sorry.” 

“No, no, you’re fine. I’m just soaking everything in.” 

He almost didn’t notice at first, but then he noticed Joe gently reaching over to take his hand. Ben tensed up, obvious to Joe, who froze. Ben glanced around at all the people in the room. Everyone was focused on the dinosaur, not them. His muscles relaxed and he let Joe continue lacing his fingers with his own. It was… it was nice. Nicer than he thought it’d be. Actually, it felt more natural than he thought it’d be. 

_ Oh my god, wait. Are my palms sweaty? Oh my god.  _

“Do you wanna go get some food?” Joe leaned over and asked, interrupting the worrisome thoughts. 

“Yeah, food sounds good.”    


Even after escaping the museum’s interesting grasp, Ben couldn’t notice how they were still holding hands. It’d been awhile since he’d held hands with  _ anyone _ , to be honest. He couldn’t help but notice, notice, notice. 

The sky was getting dark by the time they left. It felt surprising that they’d spent three hours there, but then again museums were a place where time seemed to stand still. It was aggravating that it got dark so early as well, but what could they do about that? When they stopped at a hotdog stand, their hands finally broke apart. It was disappointing, but worth it to get any form of food. The two argued over Joe paying for both, but it ended up happening anyway. They found a bench eventually, sitting down. 

Ben looked over at Joe, taking an overly sensual bite from his hotdog. “God, I love a good sandwich,” he practically moaned. 

“Hotdogs _aren’t_ sandwiches!”   
“They are.”   
“They aren’t!”  
“Are.”   
“Aren’t!”   
“Are!”   
“Aren’t!”   
“If you really liked me, you’d accept that they aren’t.”   
“Well, if you wanted to go out with me, you’d admit they aren’t.”   
Taking another bite, he thought it over. “So you want me to abandon my morals just to date you?” 

“Okay, well, when you put it like  _ that _ .” 

They continued the little fake argument until they finished the hot dogs and continued their early-evening walk. The sun was almost completely dark now, which was a bit sad, but they did get to enjoy the sunset with cheap hotdogs. 

“Can I ask you something weird?” Joe asked as they walked, the AirPods once again playing music into their ears. 

“It’s not about kinks, is it?” He said back with a goofy smile. 

“As much as I’d adore discussing all of your kinks, it’s a bit serious.” Ben’s heart dropped. “Well, okay, not that serious. But it seemed to cause you a lot of stress last week.”   
_Oh. We’re talking about that._

“Okay…”   
Joe cleared his throat, obviously feeling quite awkward to bring up the topic. “Would you be comfortable being in a relationship with me? I know I said we shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I don’t just like being fuck buddies.”   
_Fuck buddies. Is that what we are? Jesus._

“I… I know I want to be with you like that. It’s just difficult.” 

“What’s difficult? I want to be able to help you with that.”   
He needed to think. It was difficult, for sure. It was difficult just trying to explain what is difficult. “Okay, um,” he finally found something to say, “it’s just difficult going out of my comfort zone when I don’t know what I am.” 

“Ben, you don’t need to be anything. If you like me, you like me. That doesn’t have to define any part of you, except that you have fantastic taste. It doesn’t change your personality in any way and doesn’t make you any different than if you liked Lucy.” 

_ I know. I know it doesn’t.  _

“What would I tell my parents then? Or our friends? Or my friends back home?”   
“Just tell them that you like a guy, but don’t know what that makes you.” 

_ It can’t be that simple.  _

“There’s no way it’s that simple.”   
Joe sighed and turned to him, taking his hands. He didn’t want to admit it, but it brought a blush creeping across his face. “Listen to me! You got a job to help your shit diet and help pay rent. You stopped smoking. You managed to man up and tell someone the truth, even when it hurt. You literally took in a suffering puppy from the rainy streets and nursed it back to health while giving it a home. You, Benjamin, my good sir, are seriously unstoppable. You can’t let this little sexuality scare get to you. You’re still you and I’m still me. Don’t worry about the rest of the world’s opinion, just worry about what makes you happy.” 

That was a lot to take in. The two stood there on the sidewalk, other pedestrians just going around them. 

“You make me happy,” Ben said softly, can’t helping but pay attention to a song he didn’t like that much coming on. This wasn’t the best time to change it, however. 

“I’m glad. Now tell me, are you willing to push yourself and be in a relationship with someone of the male sex?”   “I- yes. Yeah. Yeah, sure.” 

“Are you sure?”   
“Of course.”   
“Great, then I have somewhere for us to be.” 

With that, Joe grabbed one of his hands and took off. This was quite surprising as Ben was being dragged down a sidewalk by someone sprinting at top speed.  _ What is even going on? Are we being chased? Can we, for the love of god, SLOW DOWN?  _ The run went on for another song-and-a-half before Joe made a turn and Ben suddenly realized where they were. 

It was the park. The park from the first real time they hung out. 

Still pulling him along, although this time at a leisurely stroll, Joe only stopped when they reached a gazebo. It was only lit by garden lights surrounding the wild bushes around its curves. 

“I have an idea. Can I connect my phone to the,” he gestured to the AirPod in his ear.   
Ben, although still a little confused, nodded. He disconnected his phone and waited as Joe set everything up and started playing a song. It had a funky rhythm, Latin, maybe. 

“Is this the Beatles?” He asked, walking up inside the gazebo where Joe was. 

The other man was tapping his foot, holding out an arm to Ben. “Nope. Well, close, I guess. It’s the Wings. C’mon now, dance with me.” 

Raising an eyebrow, Ben crossed his arms. “You serious? Out here?”   
“Um, I absolutely am sure. Only losers don’t dance in public. There’s no one around, anyway. What kind of psychopath goes to the park at six o’clock in early February?”   
“Us?” 

“Duh. Now take my hand, you nerd.” 

With a roll of the eyes, he did so. Joe quickly spun him around, admittedly making him smile a little bit. Ben wasn’t sure of what he was doing, therefore letting Joe lead. He wasn’t sure what salsa dancing was, but whatever they were doing felt like a shitty version of it. The entire thing honestly made him feel a little bit giddy. It was silly and probably looked stupid, but it was just such a pleasant experience. 

The song faded to an end. A new one comes on that was a bit slower. Joe wrapped his arms around Ben’s neck and rested his chin on his shoulder. “I like you a lot, you know. You turn me into a romantic asshole.” 

“You  _ are  _ a romantic asshole.” 

“And yet you’re into it.” 

“I am.”   
“I’m glad.”  
“Me too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey fools  
> i havent been to this museum in 4 or 5 years but i miss it and just rewatched night at the museum so decided to make this one (it was gonna be the met at first, but then remembered there are dinosaur bones at the natural history one!!)   
> anyway we get to see more airpod content. my playlist on spotify (same name as the fic if you wanna check it out) is basically the masterlist of everything i imagine they're listening too. the wings song and that spanish song from an earlier chapter are there too)   
> anyway, thank you so much for any kudos and comments, they make my day^^ (leave me hate, bet you wont)   
> thank you for reading!
> 
> (hey. hey hey hey. remember to get enough sleep, stay hydrated, and eat right. yEs im talking to you, dont think i dont see you there)


	17. When Life Takes Your Wallet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad things happen to the best of us sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoopdedoo im actually gonna update how #crazy

As the line clicked off the call, Ben’s arm dropped a little, phone still in his hand. He couldn’t believe this. He wasn’t even quite sure how to feel, really. Everything happened so fast and the words slipped out of his mouth, scaring him so much his heartbeat in his throat made it hard to breathe and yet- 

Everything was okay. Everything was  _ better  _ than okay, for Christ’s sake! Everything was good! 

“Yes!” Ben yelled out falling back onto his bed with a bounce and hugging a pillow to his chest. Gwilym knocked on the door seconds later. 

“You okay?” He asked from the other side, “It’s a bit late to be yelling about, don’t you think?”   
Ben rolled over onto his stomach, facing the door. “Come in here, you tall bastard you!” 

Now, with great confusion as to what on earth was going on, his friend entered the room. Ben was biting his lip with anticipation, obviously excited to spill some sort of news. It was quite nice seeing him look so giddy, especially after the cold spell in his attitude these past few weeks. 

“Do I get an explanation now?” Gwil asked. 

He sat up on the bed, still hugging the pillow. Part of him thought if he let go then his heart would beat right out his chest in pure ecstasy. “I came out. I came out to my dad.”   
Gwilym’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline as he broke into a smile. “Oh my god! Congratulations! How’d he respond?”   
Resting his forehead on the pillow, the words echoed over and over again inside his head. 

_ “No matter. You’re still my son. I’d only be disappointed if you were doing coke.”  _

“Positively. He said Mum’d be alright with it too. Nobody’s upset, nobody’s been kicked out of the family, and nobody can stop me now ‘cuz I’m on an absolute high!”   
The two celebrated around the room with hugs and ‘ _I’m so happy for you!’s’ / ‘I know! Me too!’s’_ Seeing Ben so happy made Gwilym happy. Having a supportive friend made Ben happy. Frankie was happy from all the positive commotion. Keeping in mind that one perhaps still liked the other and was curious if the coming out was because of someone else in their life, but they didn’t mention it or bring the mood down at all was good. It was great, really. Gwilym truly was happy for his friend. That’s what they were now and friends needed to celebrate the victories in life together. 

“Okay, okay, okay, I need to call someone else. Need to update them. I’ll just call the entire state of New York, really. But you can go back to doing whatever. Actually, go to bed and get some sleep. It’s not good to stay up late every night.” Ben opened the door for Gwilym carrying a puppy sleepy from all the midnight exercise. 

“Well, same at you. Can’t ruin your pretty face with eye bags. Goodnight, though. Proud of you!” He said with a smile, shutting the door softly. 

“Proud of me too!” Ben called back quietly, remembering the late night hour. It was a miracle that his dad had even picked up. It was just about five in the morning back home. 

Flinging himself back onto the bed, Ben hurryingly pulled out his phone and typed a quick message to Joe. Well, one message turned to two, which turned to three. 

**00** **:28**

 

_hey_ **_: Ben_ **

_joee i need to tell ya something super important_ **_: Ben_ **

_u never go to bed early so i know ur up u liar_ **_: Ben_ **

 

Still practically bursting with excitement, he gripped the phone to his chest awaiting the buzz telling him of a new text. Joe almost always responded within five minutes to any sort of message or missed phone call. He was always good about being there for people. Closing his eyes and picturing how Joe would react when he told him was a nice way to spend the time. Right around six minutes passing, he checked his phone again. 

No new messages. 

With a frown, Ben tried not to get upset. It was possible that Joe was asleep. I mean, usually he was up until the wee hours of the morning, but perhaps he dozed off studying or watching a movie? The news couldn’t wait, however. This was too important to wait. 

This time, he called him. The first time, no answer. The second time, no answer. The third time, Joe  _ finally  _ picked up. A grin came to his face. 

“Joe! I-”   
The call ended abruptly, cutting off Ben’s words. Not understanding, the smile melted off. Did he seriously just do that? What the hell?   
_Okay, maybe it was on accident._

_ OR, maybe he HATES you.  _

_ That’s unrealistic to the max. Joe doesn’t hate me.  _

_ You spammed him at midnight. How clingy and annoying is that? He obviously doesn’t want to see you anymore. I bet he doesn’t even want to be friends.  _

“Jesus Christ, just shut up,” he mumbled out loud at himself. No one hates anyone. That wasn’t the issue. 

He was worried, however. What did that even mean? Just hanging up the second he started to talk? Unsure, Ben decided to call Rami. 

“ _Hello?_ ”   
“Hey, sorry for calling so late. Is Joe home?”   
“ _He went out to buy popcorn at a convenience store. It’s been a while since he left, but he should be back soon._ ”   
“Oh, okay. I called and texted him, but no response.” _Was that a lie?_ “I just came out to my dad and, uh, I wanted to tell him.”   
“ _Oh, shit! Congrats, dude! Hey, if you want to come over and wait for him, that’s cool. I’ll buzz you in. It’d be better to do in person, yeah?_ ”   
“Really? That’d be great. I’ll see you?” 

“ _Yeah, just head on down! See you soon!_ ”   
“See you.”   
Rami was a miracle worker. An absolute gift from the heavens. The worry began to leave his system as he got his things and left. It was a quiet and short walk to their apartment, Ben didn’t even begin to doubt his safety, walking around at this hour. With a pep in his step and good music flowing through his AirPods, he found himself at the flat in no time, walk slowing to a stop when he saw just the person he was looking for sitting on the front steps with his head in his hands. 

“Hey… Joe?” He called out, seeing the man look up with little expression. 

“Hi.” 

“I came over to, uh, to say that I came out. To my parents. Well, my dad, but he’s going to tell my mum, I think. Everything went well! Life is good!” Ben pulled up with a beaming smile again, walking up the steps. 

There was little surprise on his face. “Wow, that’s, um, that’s really great, Ben.” Joe’s tone was completely flat. He didn’t even look over at him. This all felt… way out of character. 

All of this disoriented Ben. His smile left again. “Joe, are you alright?”   
His head returned to his hands, fingers pushing hard against his eyes. Tears beaded along his closed eyes. “I just got mugged,” Joe said softly, trying to regulate his breathing to not utterly lose it. “I, uh, I just lost my- my phone and my wallet with _all_ of my money and cards and driver's license and then I don’t have my keys, either, and I- I just couldn’t ring the bell because then I’d have to, uh, I’d have to explain to Rami what happened, and _then_ if I had told him what happened, I’d start to cry, which I’m doing now.” 

Ben was stunned. He couldn’t even find any words to say anything.

“I don’t cry,” he continued, “That isn’t a thing I do. God, I’m sorry,” he inhaled sharply, “this is all really pathetic.” His voice broke, making the sight sadder than it already was. 

Still trying to formulate a response, Ben slid over on the step next to him and pulled him into a hug. Joe didn’t really move at all, just trying to stop crying. “You aren’t hurt, are you? Did they pull a gun out on you?” 

“Knife.”   
“Jesus, Joe, I’m so sorry. That’s awful.” His hold against Joe’s torso tightened. When thinking about everything he’d said, it was scary. It was really fucking scary. “You sure you aren’t hurt? They didn’t hit you or stab you anywhere, did they?”   
“N-no, I, um, I just handed my stuff over when they asked. Didn’t exactly feel like getting stabbed. I already decided that if I’m going to die early, it’s because I get murdered in some genius scheme.” 

“Don’t say that. I don’t even like the idea of you dying or getting hurt.” Ben felt Joe tuck his chin onto his shoulder. His back shook a little, making Ben realize that he was silently crying. “We can cancel your cards tonight. I’ll call the police and you try to use the GPS on your phone. It’ll be okay, I promise. How much cash did you have on you?”   
“Forty bu-bucks.” 

“That’s not too much. Joe, I promise that it’ll be okay.”  
They stayed there on the steps for a while until Joe was able to stop crying. He pulled away, not too much damage except for the red, wet eyes. Ben was almost jealous of this. When _he_ cried it was such a mess. 

“Please don’t tell anyone I cried. I’m the funny friend, I don’t do that.” He said as they rang the doorbell. 

Ben was a little surprised by the statement. “You’re more than the funny friend, you know. You’re allowed to have feelings.”   
“You don’t get it. Just don’t tell anybody.” 

“Of course.” 

When Rami opened the door, the first thing he noticed was neither of them looking particularly happy. This man had known Joe for a rather long time and could pick up instantly just from his face that something was wrong. He’d brought out a bottle of champagne for the three to celebrate (with hopefully less closet hiding this time), but now perhaps it was for nothing. 

“Hey, guys. Is everything alright?” He asked a little cautiously. 

Joe walked inside, Ben following behind making worried eye contact with Rami. “Nope! I need to cancel my credit card and call the police apparently!” Their friend said, collapsing down onto the couch. 

The other two followed over, Ben taking a seat next to him. “I can skip work and class tomorrow and we can go in. It’ll be okay.”   
“No, don’t do that. It’s stupid to skip class and there’s a chance no one will be able to cover you. I’ll just do it myself.”   
“That’s not fair. It’s one day-”   
“Seriously. Just don’t do it.”   
Standing there and feeling left out of the loop, Rami cleared his throat. “What happened? Why do we need to cancel cards and police?” 

“Got mugged.”   
“Oh my god.”   
“I know, right?”   
It was awkwardly quiet for a minute. “Well, are you physically hurt? Do we need to go to the ER?” He asked again. Ben noticed Joe physically tense up. 

“I’m fine. Just shaken up.”   
“I’m so sorry, buddy.” Rami sat down as well and put his arm around his shoulders. “We can figure everything out tomorrow. You should probably just go to bed and try to relax a little.”   
“Yeah, yeah, you’re right,” he said softly, getting up and away from the others. 

“Should I go?” Ben asked, looking at the floor. 

At that moment Joe spun around on his heels. “No!”   
His head snapped up, the two giving him a strange look before he let his gaze flutter down to avoid their eyes. “No, um, I’d feel better if you stayed here. Un, uh, unless you want to go home. That’s fine too.”   
A sad smile came to his face. “I’m good with staying.”   
“Oh, good.” 

With that, Joe retreated to his bedroom and closed the door very quickly. He was done socializing for the night. 

 

A few hours later, this proved to be false. Ben was asleep on the couch, or at least half-asleep. It was the kind of rest where you’re mostly asleep and can’t feel time pass, but you’re aware of every discomfort. Couches were too small for him to sleep on, so he felt a bit cramped. The blanket he was borrowing was about a foot too short. Due to this curse of not being fully unconscious, he could hear someone walking into the living room and stopping short of the foot of the couch. Both tired and confused, he looked up. Were there robbers inside? Was this flat  _ haunted _ ? Ben didn’t believe in ghosts, but the possibilities are endless when you’re a bit scared. 

After a moment of a dark staring contest, he realized it was Joe standing there. It also wasn’t even a staring contest seeing as the other was looking down at the floor. 

“Joe? Why’re you up?” His voice was quiet as he rubbed his eyes a little. 

“Can I- can I just sleep here with you?” Joe responded quickly, messing with his hands in what seemed to be anxiety. 

“Hm? Yeah, I mean there isn’t much room. I can just move over to your bed.” 

“Oh. Yeah, that uh, that makes more sense. I-, uh, I guess.” 

Ben got up, blanket around him still, and took Joe’s hand leading him back to his room. It didn’t take long for the two to settle in. Things were different this time. Ben took the initiative to be a big spoon, figuring he would need that now. Wrapping his arms around him, he took up the time to sync their breathing. He wasn’t quite sure if there needed to be any words right now, until Joe cleared his throat. 

“I’ve never had a knife or anything pulled out against me. I feel like that’s a dumb thing to say, but I’ve never been threatened or anything in a way like that. I didn’t even get hurt, but I can’t help but think about what would’ve happened if I did. Part of me thought I was going to die then. They’d just stab me and I’d bleed out in front of a gas station. It didn’t happen. I know it didn’t happen. I... I just can’t stop thinking about if it did. I can’t even sleep now. I just feel so creeped out, like someone’s going to break in and do it again.”   
It was a lot, that was for sure. Ben listened through all of it, finding himself so deeply saddened imagining it himself. He hated that Joe even thought about that, but of course, he would. Eternal oblivion bothered everyone. Being put in a situation where it could’ve happened would only stress the thought. 

“I get that. What matters is that you’re safe now, though. You aren’t going to bleed out in front of a gas station. You’re in a warm bed in a locked flat with me. You’ll wake up tomorrow groaning about having to go to class, but you’ll be safe. Safe and alive.” 

There was no response. 

“What did you mean when you said you couldn’t cry ‘cuz you’re the funny friend?” He asked. He felt Joe shift in his hold. 

“Sometimes… sometimes it’s like I just have to be positive. All the time. I get no break from making people laugh and smile. Of course, I _want_ that. I love making people happy. But at the same time… it’s just so tiring. I can’t cry around everyone else. Or just be sad. It’s like a restriction on my job to entertain others.”   
_Hm. I mean, I guess that makes sense._

“You’re not everyone’s joker. Like I said, you can be sad.”   
Joe broke away from his arms for a moment, turning around so they could look each other in the eyes. “That’s what I meant when I said you didn’t get it. I know I can be sad. I am sad. I’m scared, more so. It’s that I can’t open up emotionally to others.”   
“Can you to me?” 

Another pause broke in the conversation. 

“I have been tonight.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah, you’re stupid.” 

The statement made him smile and give a huff of a laugh. Joe moved forward, giving him a tight embrace. Something about this popped an idea into his head. 

“Hey, how would you categorize the in-between of us being friends and us being a thing?” 

“What does that even mean?”   
“It’s a joke. Just go along with it.”   
“Okay, fine. I dunno, how would you?”   
“The flirtaceous period.” 

No laugh, chuckle, giggle, anything. 

“I don’t get it.”   
“Like cretaceous period. I was making a dinosaur joke.”   
Joe gave a laugh. _THERE we go._ “That’s so dumb. This is why I’m gonna try to open up to you emotionally more. You tell me dumb jokes.” 

They regained their original position after a while. It was comfortable and nice. Nicer than he’d think to be the big spoon. Of course, he preferred being a little spoon but still, nice. Ben was drifting asleep when Joe said it. 

“I’m sorry I put a damper on your evening. It’s fantastic that you came out. I’m glad everything is good for you, especially after everything that’s been going on in your dumb head.”   
He was too sleepy to continue the conversation, though. Instead, mumbling his final words for the night. “Me too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im in a bad bad mood and tired of being the funny friend non-stop too (this isnt my personal blog idk why i said that) anyway sorry this chapter doesn't have much to do with the usual plot but i wrote it no matter  
> thank you for leaving comments and kudos, they make my day <3
> 
> (hey asshole, make sure to get enough sleep, drink enough water, and eat right. yEs im talking to you. take care of yourself d00d)


	18. Late Winter Showers Bring Spraining Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or the one where we have a face-to-face visit with the sidewalk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been like 2 weeks, ive been kinda out of it

During a test was when Ben realized he’d been distracted from school. It wasn’t particularly anybody else’s fault but his own as well, making it aggravating. He stared at the paper, wondering when the last time he’d studied was. The paper continued to stay blank as minutes passed by. Tests weren’t terribly often in his mostly tactile and project-based class, but technicalities in terms still came every once in a while. 

_ Did it have to be fill in the blank?  _

How was it that he’d lost track of all this? Ben worked incredibly hard in high school to: 

  1. Get accepted.
  2. Convince his parents to let him attend.
  3. Mentally prepare himself to work and achieve his goals.



He couldn’t let everything he’d done go to waste. Really trying his hardest, Ben looked over the entire test several times and looked for something he knew. One question. One question out of thirty-five. This was supposed to be one of those gift-tests. Something easy to give everyone a rather good mark. By the looks of it, most everyone was finished after forty-five minutes. Embarrassed, he flipped the paper over and placed his head onto his desk. Maybe if he were lucky, he’d wake up and find this to be all some horrid dream. 

Sadly, Ben’s luck didn’t seem to reach out that far. 

About an hour later, everything was to be turned in. Due to there just being a test planned, class got dismissed an hour and a half earlier than usual. When he was about to leave the doors, his professor called out. 

“Hey, Ben?” 

Ben turned around. 

“Can I talk to you?”   
With a nod, he walked back to the desk facing a now-empty auditorium. It wouldn’t be hard to guess what this was about. The professor held up his test. 

“Are things alright? This is so unlike you,” they said, looking at the single answer on the page. “We’ve been over this material multiple times. I gave you a study guide that was practically the test itself.”   
_Oh, yeah_. The study guide had been torn to shreds by a beagle puppy. _Crazy how that just happens._

“Yeah, I’m, er, I’m okay. Just been a little out of it this week.” He responded. This was the truth. He  _ had  _ been out of it. He was so worried about Joe that he hadn’t thought much about anything else. On the evening shift they both had yesterday, Ben ended up walking him home. Nobody asked, but it was sort of a given. 

 

_ “Will you be alright going back?” Joe had asked at his own front door. The previous day he’d gotten to cancelling all of his cards, reporting the attack to police, and asked them about finding his phone safely.  _

_ “Of course. I’ll be just fine,” Ben answered with an assuring smile. He couldn’t blame Joe for being worried.  _

_ Eyebrows knitted, there was still concern covering his face. “Just stay safe, please.”  _

_“You know I will.”_ _  
__“Okay.”_

 _“Okay.”_ _  
__“Okay, I’ll, uh, I’ll see you later.”_

_ “See you.”  _ __   
  


“Ben.” 

The speaking brought him back to reality. “Huh?”   
“I was saying that if you want to succeed in this class then you need to do the work. Figure out whatever’s going on at home and get back on track. You’re a bright and promising student. Don’t need all of that to disappear.”   
Biting the inside of his cheek and trying to avoid looking as uneasy as he felt. Ben gave another nod. “Yeah, yeah, I’m trying my best. I’m sorry.” 

He got a smile as the professor put the paper back into the pile. “Alright. You know we have a guest coming in next week to talk. Told her I had a whole bunch of auspicious students. You’re definitely in that group. I can really see you going places, Ben. You just need to translate that potential into your school work as well. Capiche?” 

“Got it, yeah.” With an uncomfortable smile, he was finally let go. Ben wanted to die. Conversations like that made him wish for a train to come out of nowhere and just steamroller him. Filled with agonizingly awkward feelings, he left the building. 

Rami was waiting outside on his phone before glancing up. He put it back in his pocket and walked over. “Hey, what was that about?” he asked.

“Not much. I failed the test, is all.” Ben said without looking over to see the nonplussed reaction he got from the statement. 

“You  _ what _ ? Ben, that was probably the easiest test we’ve ever taken! He literally gave us the answers a while back!” 

_ Was he about to get lectured again? Jesus Christ.  _

Shrugging, he took a packet of gum out of his pocket. He was stressed. This was stressful.  _ If only this weren’t fucking gum.  _ “I know, I know. I was just distracted.” 

“By what? Is this because of Joe?”   
Ben stopped in his tracks. “It’s not his fault.”   
“Never said it was.”   
“You basically just did.” 

“No, I was asking because I’ve been worried as well. Is it?”

_ God, it’s not the same.  _

They started walking again, but Rami got no answer. Instead, Ben decided to look busy getting a stick of gum out of its wrapper.   
He sighed. “Look, I’m not blaming it on him. I was just curious if your being distracted was due to worry.” 

“Well, yeah, of course, I am. It’s just a lot of things. You don’t need to concern yourself with it. It’s nothing I can’t figure out, so stop getting involved.” There was a slight rudeness that came across in his voice. Ben hated it. He wasn’t quite sure why it happened. Rami seemed to notice it as well, not giving a response. Clearing his throat, it was probably a good time to apologize. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I know you’re trying to be helpful, I’m just feeling…”   
“Stressed?” his friend suggested when Ben’s voice faltered. 

“Yeah, yeah, stressed.” 

_ I guess “stressed” sums it up. I guess. Whoever said I guess a lot was right, wow.  _

“It’s okay. I don’t want to be invasive. Especially in your personal thoughts and feelings. Just know you can always come to me.” 

Ben gave an understanding nod and the conversation changed on their way to Rami’s apartment. 

_ You can always come to me. How is it that everyone says that and we never go to each other? I’ve said it, Rami just said it, I’m sure Joe and Gwilym have both said it to me. That’s wild. No one ever goes to you when you say that.  _

Upon entering the building, Ben took off his shoes at the door with Rami. He was supposed to have some mystery plans with Joe later tonight when he got back. Until then, he’d just stick around their flat. 

This wasn’t that rare of an occasion. He spent a lot of time there. He had since befriending the two. It was easy to make himself pretty at home, especially seeing as he was comfortable to just drape himself across the couch and go on his phone. Ben just scrolled through posts on his feed, hanging upside down from the couch. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Rami take a seat next to him. 

“So, you really like Joe?”   
This seemed a peculiar time to bring this up. With some difficulty, Ben sat up. “I mean, yeah. I like him a lot. Why?”   
“He’s just… different around you. In a good way, of course. He opens up to you and you make him really happy. I was making sure it wasn’t one-sided this time.”   
He probably didn’t mean for that last statement to have a bit of a bite, but it did. _Ouch._

“Well, he does the same for me. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to be a dick this time.” 

“It’s not that you were a dick. You just made a mistake. It’s good if things are fine now.”   
“Then yeah, things are fine.”   
Their serious conversation awkwardly melted away with quiet, but soon enough they were able to get back to normal talking. Ben would hang upside down off the edge of the couch for a while before complaining about blood rushing to his head. Rami would call him stupid and tell him to sit up for a while. Then later Ben would do it again and the cycle repeated. Maybe an hour later as Rami and Ben were watching _The Amazing Race_ , Joe got home. The two looked up from the couch at him walking in, wide-eyed. 

“Jesus, what’s up with you two? D’you see a ghost or something?” He asked, tossing his bag onto the floor. 

“You’ve been dead for five years!” Rami gasped with a look of horror. Ben joined in on the joke, looking equally as alarmed over the couch. 

“Har-dee-har, and you’re both winning an Oscar for Stupidest People Alive.” He said with a roll of the eyes. “Ben, you ready to go?”   
Nodding and standing up, he grabbed his phone and wallet. “Yeah, glad to have the award. I just want to thank Rami for-”   
“Okay, we’re leaving.” Joe cut him off with a cheesy smile and grabbed his hand. For a split second, Ben could feel panic in his chest rising about Rami being right there when he did it. “Bye, Rami! I’m in love with you! See you later!”   
“I’m in love with you as well!” Ben agreed, gently being pulled back to the exit of the flat. 

With a single wave and slight laugh, their friend shook his head. “I’m in love with both of y’all as well. Have fun and please don’t smash in an alleyway.”   
“Man, guess I’ll check that off the list,” Joe called before shutting the door. 

The two looked at each other for a moment outside. It was dark, but noticeably not as dark as when they were deeper in winter. Perhaps it was getting closer to spring than he’d thought. Joe stared at him intently with such amounts of focus that Ben was confused. 

“So, uh… are we just going to have a staring contest?”   
“No. I need you to mentally prepare for the best slice of pizza you will ever eat in your _entire_ life.” 

He raised his eyebrows. “The _best_? That’s setting the bar pretty high.”   
“Don’t worry. This is the only promise I can truly keep.” 

About half-an-hour later, the two were standing inside a small, yet warm, corner store. It was easy to miss, but already from the inside Ben could tell Joe wasn’t lying after all. The interior smelled like heaven. He watched one of the people in the back throwing dough up into the air and making a large crust as someone else put sauce and other toppings on more-ready pizzas. Out of nowhere, he was ravenous. He would gladly eat an entire one of these suckers. 

Joe was already up ordering something from a worker, the two seeing as they already knew each other. Wandering around awkwardly behind them, Ben looked out the window. It had begun raining outside. A tad bit sad, but he was used to it. 

Not long after ordering, Joe walked over clutching a pizza box to his chest. “I propose we eat outside.” 

“It’s _raining_.”   
“And? The sidewalk was covered, last time I checked.”   
The logic must have been fairly convincing because the two ended up sitting at the small folded table and chairs right outside of the largest window. Joe opened up the box to reveal a rather fantastic looking pizza. He took out a slice. 

“We used to come here, ever since I was a kid. My dad seriously liked this place.” He said, taking a bite. 

_ Oh. Joe didn’t talk about his dad very often.  _

Ben took a slice out as well, sinking his teeth into it and immediately feeling unrelenting bliss. This certainly was the best pizza he’d ever eaten in his entire life. The slices disappeared pretty fast. Soon, the two were just staring at an empty pizza box. 

“Well, shall we walk?” Joe said after a while. 

He looked over past the covered sidewalk. It was absolutely pouring. “Yeah, sure,” he shrugged. “Why not?” 

It was a shame neither of them had thought to bring an umbrella. Fat raindrops landed on top of their hoods, loud noises of impact coming with them. For a good amount of time, Ben hadn’t even realized they were holding hands in public again. 

They eventually stopped by a small park area with trees surrounding benches. It seemed like a good opportunity to sit, so they took it. The seats were just a bit wet, but it wasn’t terribly bad. He was cold. Joe was as well. The two moved closer together to conserve heat. 

“I guess it was a bad idea to go out, yeah?” Ben could feel Joe trembling slightly as he said it. 

“Not really. I still get to hang out with you.” He leaned his head onto his shoulder. His jacket was wet, but Ben didn’t mind. “You have really broad shoulders,” he noted out loud. 

Joe smiled a bit. “Cool. I’ll put that on my resume.” 

“Good idea. They’re comfortable to rest on. That’s a very important feature. No one could turn you down then.” 

“Glad you think so.” 

“Of course.”

 

The real disaster didn’t strike until later. They’d gotten back to walking a while back as the rain ceased some. A need for conversation wasn’t always present. Basking in the silence of just having the other person around was enough at times. When crossing a busy street, it all happened in the span of less than two minutes.

“Have you noticed we always hang out at night? Weird. One of us must be a vampire.” Joe said. 

“Well, which one of us are paler?” Ben asked, holding out his arm. They were comparing skin tones and arguing over which of them was the vampire when the yell came. 

“Hey, get out of the bike lane!”   
Ben looked up to see a bicyclist all too up-close and personal. Both he and the cyclist swerved, but Ben’s foot got caught by the wheel. With an exclaim of surprise, he spun slightly fell back onto the wet road.   
Joe was quick to try and pull him back up to his feet, but upon standing he yelped. “Ah, shit. That hurts a _lot_.” 

“Oh, god.” He helped Ben stay balanced as they continued to cross the street to get out of the way. “Do we need to go to a doctor?” 

“I cannot believe you have the audacity to assume I can afford a doctor. I’m fine.” He attempted to take a normal step on his left foot again, pain ripping through his expression. 

“Okay, well clearly not, dumbass.”   
“You’re the dumbass.”   
“Which one of us was walking in a bikes-only lane?”   
“Fair enough.”   


After a painstakingly (literally) long time to get back to get Ben at his own flat. It required a lot of teamwork to get up the stairs and get through, Ben eventually making his way to rest on the couch. Relieving his foot from the pressure of standing and so much movement caused for an audible sigh of relief to come from his mouth. With extreme gentleness, he pulled off his shoe and sock to see what was up. His ankle was swollen and a little purple. 

“Ugh, that’s so gross,” he said to himself. When feeling around the swollen area, he pressed too hard and flinched at his own inflicted discomfort. 

It seemed that Joe had gotten Gwilym, the two coming back out to see Ben observing his injury. “Holy shit,” Gwil raised his eyebrows.   
Ben was grimacing as he tried to move his foot. That action came to a quick stop, him gasping from such absolute pain. Back in the kitchen, Joe was going through their freezer. 

“Do you guys not have any ice? What’s up with that?” He called. The two by the couch glanced over.

“It’s supposed to be Ben’s job to refill the ice trays, but he never does,” Gwilym said. 

“Wow. That’d be super funny if I weren’t experiencing my own quietus.” Ben said with large amounts of acerbity lacing his tone. 

Coming back with a still-frozen hot pocket in his hand, Joe kneeled by the end of the couch. Gingerly pressing it to his foot, he looked up to see some distress keeping residence on Ben’s face. “Oh, so you use big words now?”   
“It’s not a big word. It has like, seven letters.”   
“Okay, what even happened?” Gwilym interrupted the hardly-altercation. 

“Hit by a bike.” They both said at the same time. 

“ _You got hit by a bike?_ ”   
Ben sighed. “I didn’t notice where I was walking. Forgot that there was a bike lane. The guy just disappeared after hitting me.”   
“That’s New York for you,” Joe remarked, keeping the hot pocket on his injury. “You’re lucky he left, actually. Could’ve filed something on your for being in the bike lane.”   
“Ben, you need to see a doctor. That looks bad.”   
“We live off microwave meals and spaghetti. We can’t afford a doctor.” 

The discussion went on for a fairly long time. It got so ridiculous that the three had started a pros and cons list on the back on the back of one of Ben’s football posters. At this point, the hot pocket was thawing and he wanted to devour an entire bottle of ibuprofen. Not to mention it was getting late, so he just wanted to go to bed. 

“All I’m saying is that if we weren’t feeding three mouths, we could afford help.”   
“If you’re implying that you want to get rid of Frankie, I will look past the excruciating pain I’m in and will defenestrate you.”   
“ _Stop_ using big words! And no! I love that dog more than myself, I’m just leading up to the fact that we need to either cut back on our food intake or hers. I’m not about to starve a dog, though, so it’s gotta be us.”   
“ _Or_ we just don’t go to the doctor. I’m fine.” 

Joe cut in. “You’re gripping a hot pocket to your ankle, which has both blown up and is multicoloured, like your life depends on it. Also, you can’t even stand on your own. That isn’t fine.”   
“So I just need to rest a few days and actually fill the ice tray. I’ll be fine. We can’t go to the doctor for every sprained ankle.” 

It all continued on for longer, even getting Rami on a call. It seemed as though the proposition of going to the doctor was three against one. Even so, Ben decided to refuse, claiming, “his ankle, his choice.” This, although aggravating as all hell, was the mindset he stayed in the entire time. Eventually, they had to give up. The most Ben would let them do was elevate his foot and prepare ice (as well as the glorious bottle of ibuprofen he finally received). 

“If your foot is worse in the morning, I’m gonna prepare a Broadway musical called, ‘I Told You So’,” Joe said, squatting so he would be eye-level with him on the couch. 

“Whatever. You’re dumb and I’m tired.”   
“Okay, thank you. You’re dumber than me, though. I hope you know that, buddy.” 

“Still tired, though.”   
“Alright, well, goodnight. I hope you feel better tomorrow.”   
“Thanks, and goodnight.”

From there he decided to stay on the couch, hot pocket clutched in hand and no longer worried about tests and school. Life just needed to slow down. Or at least enough for him to finally fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the best pizza i ever had was somewhere in nyc sometime in 20...14? it was a while ago, but i remember that pizza was good asf. and omg throwback to me twisting my ankle at the beginning of track season (did i mention that cuz i dont remember)  
> anyway hii. im super tired and ive been meaning to finish this chapter for so long, but it never happened. my eyes are b u r n i n g from lack of sleep but i need to update!!! ahh!!! also can you tell i had 4 different ideas for this chapter and they just kept changing (it's cuz i wrote this over like 3 weeks lol)  
> thanks lads for reading and leaving kudos and comments. those rlly get me going, tbh <3  
> oh hey guys im marrying @watercolouredreams idk when but it's happening and all of you are invited  
> okay i really need to take a nap. ive been awake for like thirty hours
> 
> (please take care of yourselves. that's all i have to say. i love yall and i need you to stay healthy)


	19. Untold Contents of a Guilty Brain Remain Untold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or Gwilym finally convinces Ben to make a smart decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, sorry  
> #fillerchapter im sorry

Needless to say, Ben did not exactly feel better the next day. If anything, the pain in his ankle had gotten  _ worse _ . The colour had remained a dark purple-y blue, over the protruding bump that was at least the size of a tangerine. Feeling nearly impossible to stand on without bringing tears to his eyes, Ben found himself still stuck on the couch after three days. He’d reached out to classmates on either his “Pretty Friendly With” or “Kind of Not Awkward Acquaintances” list to take notes for him and catch him up. For work, Joe being manager helped out. They just needed to find someone who could cover. 

Being rendered immobile for the time certainly went to his attitude. Although he tried to be optimistic for the first full day, Ben certainly felt himself getting sick and tired at virtually anything. 

“Gwil,” he started one day when his flatmate came home, “you shuffle your feet  _ so much _ when you walk. Just pick up your damn feet, for the love of god!” he basically shouted. 

With an expression of confusion, Gwilym stood there in the hallway for a moment. “Oh, uh, alright.”  
There was no need for him to protest. He got it, life must’ve been pretty sucky for him at the moment. Without waiting to be asked, he took the actually-filled tray of ice cubes out, putting them in a plastic bag and wrapping it in a towel. Gwilym returned to the living room, kneeling by the couch and gently placing it against his elevated ankle. 

Ben’s expression softened at the action as some relief filled his mind. “I’m sorry I said that. You can walk however makes you happy.”   
Gwilym didn’t react much, only giving a shake of the head and small smile. “Don’t worry about it. I should probably pick up my feet more anyway.” 

His hand stayed pressing the ice pack to his ankle and they two quieted down. This worried Ben. If the silence stayed, his immense guilt was sure to start falling back down onto his shoulders. Unfortunately, that was indeed the case. 

_He’s still so nice to me. I don’t deserve this. I broke his heart and he still helps me. I don’t deserve this!_ __  
“Hey, Gwil, I-”   
As if he knew what he was about to bring up, Gwilym interrupted him. “If this isn’t looking any better by tomorrow. I’m taking you to the doctor whether you appreciate it or not.” His friend wasn’t stupid. Why bring up the past again? It would just make things worse at this point. 

“Alright, I guess that’s fair.” 

Things were as equally not as better the next day as they had been since he’d originally been hit by the bike. In the morning, Gwilym called for Lucy to cover him in class and told work he wouldn’t be in today either. 

“This won’t take all day,” Ben said after he’d hung up the phone. 

“Someone’s obviously never been to urgent care.” 

With Ben hanging onto Gwilym for support as they slowly made their way to the street, they got into the first taxi that would stop. It was immensely difficult for both of them, really. Ben needed to cling to Gwilym so he would stay balanced and Gwilym needed to keep hold of Ben and make sure he wasn’t rushing him or putting him in more pain. It was awkward, it was slow, and most of all it was awkward. The taxi ride didn’t see a lot of talking. Ben stared out of the window and listened to his music as Gwilym seemed to be texting someone on his phone. 

Despite it being fairly early in the morning, urgent care already had a handful of people sitting inside. Gwilym had helped Ben to a seat before talking to the person at the front desk about their little issue. In the chair, Ben was wishing he’d remember to take a tylenol or something. His foot was throbbing a lot, making him too distracted to nap like he wanted to. Just like his friend promised, they ended up sitting for about an hour and a half before being seen. Despite having done lots of sports in school, he’d never had to go in for an injury. Plenty of his friends had, of course, but Ben was lucky. Maybe not so much now. 

He and Gwilym were in the middle of a game of hangman they started on a magazine page when his name was called. 

“What was the word?” Ben asked as they made their way down the hallway. 

“Onomatopoeia.” 

“There’s no way I would’ve gotten that!”   
“You said I shuffle my feet too much. I have a right to defend myself.”   
“Those things are in no way related, I hope you know.”   
“I do.”   
After maybe another half-hour of waiting through a vitals check and for the doctor, Ben was embarrassingly replaying what had happened for about the third time. 

“I wasn’t looking where I was walking and my foot got caught with the bike when it swerved.”   
“Did you feel any pops?” 

“I can’t remember. I mean probably.”   
“And would you say the swelling has gotten better or worse?”   
“Worse, for sure.”   
“Same with the pain?”   
“Yup.”   
His doctor stood up and thought for a moment. “I’d like to believe that it’s a grade two ankle sprain that’s just been ignored, but it could be a possible grade three-”   
Gwilym gave him a look the second he said that first bit. He could feel his ears going a little red. 

“-Now the difference is simply just an incomplete and a complete tear of the ligament. With care, a grade two will take between two and four weeks to recover. Because it seems more of an untreated grade two, I’m going to give you some supplies for that incomplete sprain, but if things aren’t looking better and the pain worsens, make sure to come back.” 

To say that some of the supplies hurt like a bitch was a bit of an understatement. Upon first wrapping his ankle in support tape, Ben gripped his pants rather tightly. It felt better after, but the initial pressure on his foot was almost too much. He was also given a brace, making it a little able to walk on. After all of this and a review of everything he was told to, they were allowed to leave. 

 

“Let me see the bill.” 

“Ben, calm down. Go rest or whatever you hurt people do.”   
“Let me see it! It’s my problem and I can’t pay without knowing how much it is!” 

“You’re going to flip. I can’t let you see it.”

“Gwilym! Just let me see!” Stumbling after his friend who held the slip of paper above his head, Ben had to grit his teeth and painfully attempt to go on his tiptoes. 

When Gwilym noticed what he was trying to do, he took both his arms and forced him to stand normally. “Stop. You’re going to double this if you pull shit like that.”   
Seeing an opportunity, Ben snatched the bill out of his hands and limped his way over to his room, basically dragging his left foot instead of using it. He closed the door and locked it behind him, the little puppy half-asleep on her bed’s ears going up at the noise. With many worries, he scanned the paper. Outside, Gwil braced himself as the yell came. 

“ _ In what world is a foot brace fifty-fucking-dollars! _ ” 

 

Later that afternoon, Ben was on the phone with Joe. “So, I’m looking at a two-hundred dollar bill here. Don’t think I’ll be eating for the next three years.”   
“ _Oh, don’t be so dramatic. Really sucks that your insurance didn’t cover the brace, though. If you need help, I can add in some extra shifts for myself and give you the pay._ ”   
He’d been petting Frankie when Joe had said that, abruptly stopping in surprise. In annoyance, Frankie pawed at his hand for him to resume. “Don’t do that. I don’t need charity.”   
“ _Only trying to help_.”   
“I know, thank you. I can do it on my own, though.” He paused for a second. “Can you come over tonight?” 

Joe sighed on the other line. “ _ Sorry, I wish I could. I have way too much work to do tonight and it’s looking like I might get two or three hours of sleep at best. Maybe another night.”  _

It was a little disappointing, to be honest, but that was most of life at this point. “It’s okay,” he said. 

Their conversation lasted for a few minutes longer before Joe apologized again and said he had to work. He got it. Two to three hours of sleep wasn’t ideal and everyone he knew tried to avoid it. After hanging up, Ben stared off into space, continuing to stroke up and down Frankie’s back. Not long after, a knock came at his door. 

“Yeah?” He called. 

Gwilym opened the door, leash in hand. “Hey, I’m gonna take Frankie on a walk. Not to leave you alone or anything. I’m just a responsible dog co-owner.” 

He gave a small smile, holding up the puppy as he came around the side of the bed and picked her up. “Thank you. I’ll give you a medal for being a brilliant co-owner.”   
“Of course. Now, say goodbye to Dad,” Gwily said in a babying voice to the dog, holding up one of her paws and moving it in a waving motion. 

Sure, it was corny as hell, but it was cute. Although feeling stupid about it, Ben waved back as the two left. Now he was fully alone in his room, foot elevated and feeling pretty shitty about the slip of paper on his nightstand. There wasn’t much else to do, so unhappily he turned on his laptop. It was time for some quality time with core. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made myself sick from stress so i wrote this on my free days ig  
> so life isnt going that great but im gonna continue to update. i think this fic is almost done, actually. it might have a soft sad or bittersweet ending tho. just keep that in mind.   
> sorry that this chapter is both filler and boring. i have writer's block and this scene was so much better and i had an extra two pages for a storyline to add but it made no sense so i had to cut it out. i also kind of want to write more content with gwilym if im being honest  
> anyway tysm for comments and kudos. i love yall sm <3  
> have a good evening (that's when im posting, at least)
> 
> (also remember to get enough sleep, stay hydrated, and eat right. it'll pay off, believe me)


	20. And so the Titanic Sinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a bad turn and arguments arise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this out of order, if you couldn't tell by how emotions don't translate from one scene to the next

Sometimes it seemed impossible to get through a week, but after Saturday afternoon Ben was finally free. With everything that happened with his stupid ankle and trying to walk around on it even when everyone told him not to, he felt rather burdened down with stress. He’d taken a test (passing this time) and had to remake work and then still make it to his job. The worst part of it all was paying the urgent bill. That part felt like actual abuse. Taking the money out of his account and giving it to the lovely assholes who made him pay nearly two hundred dollars was like a punch to the jaw and a swift kick to the nuts. Sadly, all of this meant his wallet had to go on lockdown mode. Therefore, instead of going out, he spends his Saturday evening watching ASMR videos on YouTube with Gwilym. 

“I’m going to fall asleep,” he said as the person on the laptop screen brushed the mic slowly again and again.   
“Okay, new challenge: try not to sleep,” Ben responded despite feeling rather sleepy himself.   
“Fine. Your challenge is to pay your half of the rent on time.” Gwilym grinned to himself as the other’s jaw dropped. 

“That was out of pocket and you know it.”   
“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t.”   
They stopped talking after that. Nothing felt awkward, they could just be comfortable in silence just as they were in talking. That probably explained why they worked well as friends. 

A bored Frankie made her way over to the couch, taking a running leap and managing to land directly on Ben’s lap. He wheezed slightly from the impact as his friend laughed quietly. Under weeks of care, she’d gotten proper large and now weighed a significant amount more as she grew. It wasn’t as easy to appreciate her jumping on you without warning as it had been previously.   
After a while of watching the lady on screen tap about some objects, Gwilym had indeed fallen asleep. Ben didn’t even notice at first, but when looking over, it was like an “ _oh. His eyes are closed”_ moment. It seemed Frankie might’ve been asleep too after he’d been therapeutically rubbing her head. For some reason, the two other sleeping beings made him feel almost _more_ awake. He couldn’t exactly move. There was a puppy on his lap and the two guys were sharing Gwilym’s earbuds (the lack of freedom he felt with wires was aggravating, but bringing it up felt pretentious). With not much else to do, he pulled out his phone and began to text Joe. 

  
  


**19:36**

 

hey :  **ben**

are you and rami busy making out or are you free :  **ben**

  
  


**joseph :) :** why, you wanna join? 

**joseph :) :** jUst kidding. im free tho if you wanna come over or something

  
  


nah, cant. ive got two sleeping babies next to me. been rendered immobile until further notice :  **ben**

 

He sent a picture showing the two asleep on the couch. Joe saw the message and started typing, stopped, starting typing again, stopped for a while, and then finally responded. 

  
  


**19:42**

  
  


**joseph :) :** oh. sounds fun.

**joseph :) :** nothing between, yall, right?    
  


 

In surprise, Ben raised his eyebrows. Did he seriously think there would be something? The thought felt mean, so he inwardly apologized to Gwilym. 

  
  


no? why would there be? weve crossed that bridge, mate :  **ben**

 

**joseph :) :** i was just asking. you guys had a thing in the past. kinda have a right to be worried sometimes. 

 

and like i said, we crossed that bridge. friends are all we are. dont be :  **ben**

 

**joseph :) :** sorry 

 

dont say sorry. that makes me feel bad :  **ben**

 

**joseph :) :** sorry

 

oh my god : **ben**

 

He sighed and turned off his phone. To say he was annoyed was an overstatement. He understood what Joe meant, but it certainly bugged him. Turning his head to look at Gwilym again, a small frown appeared on his face.  _ We’ve crossed that bridge. I’ve crossed that bridge. I cheated.  _

Not being able to think about the subject anymore, he took out the earbud and picked up the puppy, walking to his room and gently closing the door. Ben couldn’t stand the thought anymore. 

_ Cheater, cheater, cheater.  _

 

On Sunday evening, Ben went over to Joe and Rami’s again for dinner. This had become a common end-of-the-weekend activity, although both this week had told him to stay home and not walk over. When they suggested him taking a cab if he so badly wanted to come over, but Ben instead suggested that they were looney for assuming he could even afford ramen at the moment. After a painstakingly painful walk over, he finally arrived to their hospitality. Dinner wasn’t anything fancy. It almost never was. None of them could exactly afford to eat extravagant meals every week. Hamburger helper on paper plates was good enough for all of them, anyway. 

“So, how are things up in Ben’s World?” Rami asked, handing him a glass of water. 

He shrugged. “As things usually are.”   
“That phrase means nothing to me. There’s something new going on with you every day. Always something dramatic. Our little drama king.” 

Joe laughed into his sip of water, holding his hand up to prevent any liquid from spilling out. “Wow, there was  _ no  _ need to do him like that.” 

“If anything, _you’re_ the drama king! You slapped me across the face when I didn’t do something!” Ben said, pointing at Rami. “Back me up here, Joe.”   
“Woah, woah, woah, when did he slap you? I’ve never heard of everyone’s favourite guy, Rami, doing such a thing.”   
Rami shook his head with a smile. “The situation was dire. He wouldn’t tell Gwil.”   
“Tell Gwil what?”   
There was an awkward pause. Ben found himself focusing intently on the side of the table. Why did this have to be brought up again? It wasn’t as though he wasn’t struggling enough feeling bad about it. 

The lack of answer seemed to make some sort of sense in Joe’s mind. It wasn’t hard to guess, after all. “Oh.” 

Him responding seemed to have no other effect on their inability to speak. The air felt so unbelievably tense. Most of it radiated from Ben, stewing in his own guilt once again.  _ Jesus, do I ever get a break?  _ His gaze hadn’t left the side of the table. To avoid thinking about anything else, he mentally brought up the most random subject he could: country capitals. 

_ Turkey - Ankara.  _

_ Philippines - Manila _

_ Iran - Tehran  _

Clearing his throat, Rami could see how visibly uncomfortable he’d made everyone by bringing up the subject. He hadn’t meant to, honestly. He was just joking around with Ben by calling him dramatic. It wasn’t really his fault that all this stuff kept happening to him. 

“So, uh, anyway…”

_ Sweden - Stockholm? Or is it Oslo? Is Oslo in Norway? _

A conversation came back, but the voices of Joe and Rami melted into nothing as absolute gibberish passed through one ear and out the other. Joe seemed to notice how out-of-it he was getting from the glazed over look in his eyes. Something was stewing. It was easy to guess what, as well. 

 

The evening went on for a short amount of time before Rami suggested getting Ben home before it was too dark and he couldn’t even walk right, so they made precautions. Joe volunteered to walk him home, despite his own fears of walking home alone that have recently sprouted. Walking in what was silence to everyone else but music flowed through what was now the pair’s trademark shared AirPods. It was down quieter than usual, as Ben kept expecting Joe to say something. 

He didn’t. 

He didn’t for a while, at least. When they got to the front of Ben and Gwilym’s apartment, they slowed to a stop. It was the same area where things went wrong the first time. If Ben had just not been terrified of getting hurt, he wouldn’t be in the situation they were in now. This interaction might be avoidable in general. 

“So,” Joe cleared his throat, “Gwilym.”   
_Oh god. God, just please, don’t do this right now._

“What about him?”   
“You still feel bad?”   
The question was a little surprising. Was Joe serious? “What do you mean? Of course, I still feel bad. You got the good end of everything and he got the worst possible scenario.”   
“But I thought you resolved this issue with him.”   
The fact that Joe was making him angry was about to bring out a side he hardly brought out on anyone. “You don’t live with him. You don’t see the way he deals with how I left him for one of his friends, not to mention the fact that I cheated. He keeps his cool and stays mature about the scenario _even though_ I know for a _fact_ that it hurts him to do so. Yes, I do still feel bad because I live with that guilt every goddamn day and you don’t have to.” His voice was low, but getting faster and more upset with the ongoing words he spoke. 

Joe took a moment to take in what he said. “I get what you’re saying. But you need to get that I’m genuinely worried that your guilt is because you still like him. That you want to go back to him.”   
_You’re joking._

“Are you joking? Maybe I feel bad because I hurt my friend! I’d like it if you could actually trust me. I messed up once with someone and I’m seriously trying to not do that again. Don’t be the biggest mistake of my life, okay?”   
Rubbing his brow, Joe stared at Ben’s shoes before taking out the AirPod and handing it to him. “I just need time to think over this. Look, I’m sorry. I’ll talk to you later. Goodnight, Ben.” 

Ben’s mouth went agape as Joe walked away, street lamp light only extenuating the parts of him that he normally found beautiful. Now, it was just infuriating. 

“Oh, fuck you,” he mumbled to himself, hobbling upstairs and putting his key in the door. He was done with him for the night. There were more important things to worry about rather than him.

_ Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you so much.  _

  
  


Ben was busy typing up an email to a professor much later that night when a knock came at the door. Lowering the screen slightly, he looked up. There was an uncomfortable moment where his eyes adjusted to no longer staring at a screen for so long. 

“Yeah?” he called, watching Gwilym open the door.

“You busy? I realized we never finished that season of  _ Love Island _ and I wasn’t sure if you wanted to join me or not.” He leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms slightly. 

A little smile grew on Ben’s lips. “No, that sounds fun. Just give me a minute, yeah?”   
“Sounds good.”   
“Cool, sounds good.”   
He left, leaving Ben to finish typing up the email and pressing send. Part of him halted as he swung his left leg over the side of the bed to get off. Why had the thoughts been worse now? Jesus, it had been bad before. What reason was there for it to come back? Was one apology not good enough for the universe?  
Apparently not, seeing as his phone slipped from his jogger’s pockets onto the floor with a loud noise. At first not sure what to think, Ben stared at it on the floorboards. Bending over to pick it up, a pit of dread soon opened up in his stomach. This feeling was justified, sadly, as the entire screen had practically been shattered. One little fall had brought on the downfall of his phone. 

“Gwil?” He called out, not even sure what to do. Rolling it around in his hands as he turned it off and on, he was sort of relieved to discover that it still worked. It was just… difficult to see near anything. 

Gwilym made his way into the room, watching Ben stare at his phone for a moment before speaking up. “You, uh, you alright?”   
“It seems that I’m in a patch of bad luck at the moment.”   
“How so?”   
Instead of explaining the phone, the statement appeared to have broken the dam. Everything was about to come flowing out. “Gwilym, I’m so sorry.”   
He didn’t understand. “What?”   
“I’m sorry for doing you so dirty like I did. You didn’t deserve that and I still feel bad about it.” 

The next few moments were filled with an icy silence as Gwilym’s expression changed from almost hurt to just stoney faced, as though he were trying if anything to appear as though nothing could have bothered him at all. This expression scared Ben, giving him the impression that if anything, he was mad. 

“Stop apologizing for that. It’s in the past and bringing it up just makes it worse. I forgave you for it, just stop apologizing  _ please, _ ” he said, his arms visibly tensing from how he held them in his hoodie pockets. Gwilym was stiff and he was hiding his perturbed feelings. 

How was he to react well to that? “I- oh, well, uh, okay. I’m sorry.”   
They stood awkwardly, horribly straining energy between the two. There would be no way to watch _Love Island_ normally after this. Might as well not even watch it. Gwilym seemed to understand this as well. 

“On other thought, I’ll just watch by myself,” he mumbled as he left the room. He didn’t even give time to Ben to think about it. 

Standing there now alone, he felt like the biggest asshole ever.  _ Again _ . How did this always seem to happen? Was he just destined to be some sort of horrid villain? Was that his role in life? 

With great uncertainty, Ben limped his way out of his room. Gwilym must have retreated behind locked doors, because he was nowhere to be seen. It was awfully cliche to sit on the fire escape, but they’d never used it before and he might as well feel as if he were in a movie at this point. He just kept messing up today, didn’t he? The two roommates had quite literally never used it or gone onto it. There had been no fires and there had been no escapes, so it didn’t seem necessary. Now, as he made his way to sit, feet hanging over the edge, Ben wished they’d done it before. They’ve sat on their small porch, yeah. They’d done that many times. But this rusty, old, and rather dingy looking fire escape had such a different feel to it. Looking up at the sky, he’d hoped to gaze at the stars and feel some sort of intimacy with the heavens. 

However, the night sky was crowded with light, drowning out the universe. There would be no intimacy with anyone tonight, it seemed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't actually mean for this to go as downhill as it did  
> no worries, though, i can fix it. i always do.   
> might make things worse first tho hehe   
> sorry guys im going through my blue period of artistry  
> thank you sooo much for comments and kudos <3
> 
> (please please make sure you're eating right, staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep. take care of yourselves^^)

**Author's Note:**

> well, i hope you liked it somewhat and i totally didn't waste your time  
> big phat thank you to anyone who leave kudos or comments!  
> (remember to get enough sleep and stay hydrated. and yes, im talking to you) 
> 
> Ps- if you have any good dinosaur jokes, totally share them with me. i might even add one of yours into the story :))


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